| Have you ever had an uninvited guest?
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| Why did you wear sweatpants the day she wore that dress?
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| You put a book on it, your woody wouldn’t quit
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| Think of disgusting things and don’t encourage it
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| And then it starts to ache, zipper’s about to break
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| You’re using every trick to try to tame your trouser snake
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| Listen and listen good, don' t cover up your wood
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| A woody never should
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| Ever have to be caged or blocked
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| Unlock your jock
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| Just let it pop
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| Like a jack in the box
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| Show 'em that your willy works
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| A stiffy shouldn’t have to hurt
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| Make em scream «oh my god»
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| As you shock 'em with your lightning rod
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| Baby, let your mojo rise
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| It doesn’t matter what the size
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| You don’t have to feel ashamed
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| Like Miley it just can’t be tamed
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| Boing, boing, boing
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| Even bigger than a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing
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| Sometimes it can be annoying-noying-noying
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| But now your confidence is growing
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| Put your package on display
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| Even if they scream and run away
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| You’re the jockey of your one-eyed horse
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| I’m talking bout your dong, of course
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| Someday when you’re old and bored
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| You’ll wish that you had shown it more
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| It’s the reason that the world was born
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| Every girl believes in unicorns
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| Doing, ding, dong
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| Someday random chubbies will be gone
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| Doing, ding, dong
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| Can’t believe I wrote a whole schlong song |