| Hey, hey, alright
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| Yeah, aw yeah
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| My name is Link, y’all, I’m straight outta Hyrule
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| Been on the force of good since 1986, old school
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| I’m bringing you a laid-back summertime jam
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| Hold on a minute, Link!
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| Hey what’s up, old man?
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| I see that you’re embarking on another epic quest
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| You’re gonna use your Ocarina to rescue the princess
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| But you’ll need a magic weapon that’ll never ever miss
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| It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!
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| Oh, thanks, old man, that is really very nice
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| I can always count on you for help and friendly advice
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| Though I’ve never seen a sword of quite that shape or size
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| Oh, God, that’s not a sword, it’s your dick in disguise
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| Yes, I can’t lie, I have painted my schween
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| Now grab your destiny, if you know what I mean
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| Wait a minute, Link, don’t leave the cave, where do you think you’re going?
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| This is a great chance to fondle old scrotum that you’re blowing
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| That was weird but whatever, there is no time to lose
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| I gotta warp right now to Zelda in this chilled-out groove
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| Wait this isn’t Ganon’s lair, I’m in Liberty City
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| This place looks just like Philadelphia, but even more shitty
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| I’m at the corner of Dead Cop and Prostitute Junction
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| Something in my Ocarina must have gone and malfunctioned
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| I gotta fix it quickly, there is justice to do
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| Hold on a minute, Link!
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| Old man, is that you?
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| This is a place you can’t survive with just your sword and your wits
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| It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!
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| Well that’s really kind of--
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| Gah! |
| That’s your wrinkled dick again
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| Look, I know I wear a tunic, but I’m not into men
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| Don’t be that way, bitch, let me introduce you
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| To my three best friends, Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew
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| If you save the princess Zelda, well, you know you’re gonna grab her
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| So why don’t you try to come grab my inflatable poo-jabber
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| (Oh, my God!)
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| I gotta warp outta here, Princess Zelda awaits
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| I must defeat Ganondorf before it gets too late
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| Okay, now I really don’t know where I am
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| Hold on a minute, Link!
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| Goddamn it, old man!
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| You’re in Raccoon City, it’s a zombie abyss
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| It’s dangerous to go alone, take--
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| No! |
| Fuck you! |
| Fuck you!
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| I’m not giving you a-
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| I’m not touching your w-
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| Stop the chilled out groove!
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| Geez!
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| You come in here tellin' me you got a wee-wee weapon
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| It’s not cool, I’m not gonna touch it, I’m not gonna s-
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| No!
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| So is that a no on the handjob, or???
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| Okay |