Lyrics Epic Rap Battle - Rhett and Link

Epic Rap Battle

Link: First off I wanna tell you I enjoyed the pizza
Well it really wasn’t great, but it allowed me to meet-cha
I’d like your number
But I’m not gonna leave a big tip to get it
Rhett: That means he’s cheap and pathetic, and if you date him you’ll regret it
Twenty-three percent from me communicates
I’m generous, not desperate, and I can calculate
Link: Is she supposed to be impressed?
Rhett: Well if you want a battle be my guest
Link: I’m a computer programmer and a cubicle dweller
I disabled Spell Check cause I’m a stellar speller
When I write an e-mail that includes an attachment
I never hit «send» before I’ve attached it
Rhett: Your job is a bore
I keep it hard core
Selling knives and insurance from door to door
You’re reflecting on a water cooler conversation
I’m giving an incredible knife demonstration
Rhett: May I interest you in some accidental death coverage?
Or a hard boiled egg slicer?
Link: I can change your computer wallpaper to a tropical beach scene
Rhett: Egg slicer
Link: I car pool
Cuz I’m environmentally sensitive
I pack a snorkel cuz I’m clever and so inventitive
Rhett: It’s inventive, inventitive isn’t a word
Link: Yeah I just inventited it, you just got served
Rhett: Well when I car pool, I take a group of third graders
On my way to work I teach them multiplication tables
See I’m a role model, an example to the youth
Link: Then why did this kid just tell me that one times one is two?
Link: At the gym people line up just to give me a spot
All eyes on me when I’m poppin' a squat
My career Plan B is to teach P. E
The model on the machine is based on me
Rhett: I’ve mastered the art of mental manipulation
Working every muscle group through meditation
This is me working out my triceps
Pick up my DVD called «Mind Reps.»
Link: My sense of style, is sweet like syrup
It’s not uncommon for people to think I’m from Europe
Rhett: I don’t follow the trends, I’m a style pioneer
See this turtleneck with a necklace?
You’ll be wearing this next year
Rhett: Is that all you got?
Link: Nope
Link: I see buttons, I just push 'em to see what they do
If something were to go wrong I’d just blame it on you
Rhett: I’m quick-witted, I always know just what to say
Link: Then say something clever
Rhett: Uh, okay
Link: I was offered a record deal while singin' at a karaoke bar
But I turned it down and became the president’s Karaoke Czar
Rhett: I rescued a dolphin entangled in a tuna net
And donated it to an orphanage to keep as a pet
Link: I gave the Heimlich to a horse choking on beef jerky
Two hours later he won the Kentucky Derby
Rhett: I’m allergic to nothing
Link: I’m allergic to weakness
Rhett: I embrace my weaknesses and call them uniquenesses
Link: I can drive a stick shift
Rhett: Well I can golf
Link: Well I can make it look like my thumb is coming off
Rhett: I invented the Half Nelson
Link: I invented the Full Nelson!
Rhett: I’ve got a signed picture of Boris Yeltsin
Link: My uncle is a lawyer!
Rhett: I roll my own sushi!
Link: I use the metric system exclusively!
Rhett: I know Morse code!
Link: Well I can speak it:
Rhett: You just said that the square root of raspberry should be legalized
Link: Exactly