Lyrics Who Wants to Watch the Tony Awards This Year? - Rachel Bloom

Who Wants to Watch the Tony Awards This Year?

WHO WANTS TO WATCH THE TONY AWARDS THIS YEAR?
DO YOU WANNA WATCH THE TONY AWARDS THIS YEAR?
IT’S LIKE IF BASKETBALL WERE INTERESTING
OR THE OLYMPICS HAD NATHAN LANE!
IT’S LIKE THE OSCARS IF THE ACTORS HAD TALENT
IT’S KINDA LIKE THAT ONLY SO MUCH BETTER!
Ugh, what kind of pizza is this?
It’s gluten free.
You people are terrible!
I KNOW WE BROKE UP, BUT DO YOU WANNA WATCH THE TONYS THIS YEAR?
You fucked my brother.
DOES YOUR BIG DICKED BROTHER WANNA WATCH THE TONY’S THIS YEAR?
IT’S LIKE IF BIRTHDAYS ACTUALLY HAD ANY MEANING
OR YOUR WEDDING WAS WRITTEN BY STEPHEN SONDHEIM
IT’S LIKE IF YOUR NEGLECT HADN’T DRIVEN ME TO YOUR BROTHER
WITH A SPECIAL PERFORMANCE BY THE CAST OF THE LION KING!
I THINK IT’S TIME TO ASK MY MOM.
TONYS?
No!
Enjoy your nursing home!
I’LL PUT A PERSONAL AD ON CRAIGSLIST.
I’LL DO IT IF I CAN WATCH YOU SHAVE.
I COULD ASK MY TWIN IF I HADN’T STRANGLED HER IN THE WOMB.
Fosse!
Oh, you know what?
The Tony Awards were canceled.
What?!
Yeah.
Broadway exploded.
What?!
What do we do?
There’s nothing to do.
Bye.
Ugh.
She’s so weird.
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THE TONY AWARDS THIS YEAR?
THIS GUY WANTS TO WATCH THE TONY AWARDS THIS YEAR!
I LOVE THE TAP!
I LOVE THE WITTY BANTER!
MY FRIENDS MAY BE TRASH
AND I MIGHT BE A SOCIOPATH
BUT TONYS -- I’LL WATCH YOU EVERY YEAR!