| Research me obsessively
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| Uh-huh!
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| Find out everything you can about me
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| You know you want to dig for me relentlessly
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| Uh-huh!
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| Using every available search tool and all forms of social media
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| : Yes…
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| You know you want to look at my Instagram
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| But it’s private
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| So Google me until you find out where I went to high school
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| And then set up a fake Instagram account
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| Using the name and the photo
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| Of someone that went to my high school
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| And hope that I remember that person a little bit
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| : Ah, no…
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| Then request access to my private Instagram
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| From the fake account
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| And in the meantime, scour my work Instagram account
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| 'Cause that one’s public
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| Research me obsessively
|
| Uh-huh!
|
| Find an actual picture of my parents' house on Google Maps
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| You know you want to hunt for me tirelessly
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| Uh-huh!
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| It’s not stalking 'cause the information is all technically public
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| : That’s true, that’s true!
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| : Very true
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| Check out every guy I used to date
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| And deduce who broke up with who
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| Based on the hesitation in our smiles
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| So many unanswered questions
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| Did I go to the University of Texas?
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| Am I an EMT?
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| Is that my obituary, in which I’m survived by my loving husband Eddie of fifty
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| years, children Susan and Matthew, and grandchild Stephanie?
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| Wait, no, that’s just all people with my same name
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| : Oh!
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| Or is it? |
| Pay only $ 9.99 on a background check website to know for sure
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| : I’ll do it, yeah
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| : Yah!
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| So don’t stop
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| Just research me obsessively
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| Uh-huh!
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| And in lieu of flowers
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| Donate to other me’s favorite charity
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| : Aw!
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| Research me
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| Just research me
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| And research me
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| And research me
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| Oops, it’s three days later |