Lyrics JAP Battle - Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast, Rachel Bloom, Rachel Grate

JAP Battle

This is real deep beef from way back in the past
Deeper than I’ll put a foot up in the crack of your ass
Come on, let’s do this
Your little pals can witness how vicious
This Westchester alpha bitch is
I’m straight up malicious, a verbal curb stomper
Since we were toddlers I’ve studied every chink in your armor
And between your folks' divorce and that haircut on you
I’m really not sure which one’s the bigger shondeh
That means «disgrace», I’m translating for the goys
Our lifelines have been parallel like corduroys
But now, we’ll see whose bars will prevail
In this beef of two hard-as-nails
Shebrews from Scarsdale
We’ve got a conflict of interest
I’m about to give Levine the business
Spittin' venomous hate
Penetratin' her defenses
It’s a JAP battle
A what?
A Jewish American Princess
Rap battle
Daughters of privilege
Spittin' mad flow
Find that term offensive?
Too bad, yo!
Oh, snap!
It’s a JAP battle rap!
Look, academically, you could never catch me
You were close, but no match scholastically
Nohow, no way
I put the «O.G.»
in «5.0 G.P.A.»
Well, speaking of which, are you A.P. graded?
'Cause these days you look a bit heavily weighted
And all your book crackin' don’t make up for the fact
That I’m strapped with that killer instinct that you lack
Sweetheart, here’s what you’re not understanding
I’m street-smart—
You mean, 'cause you minored in Urban Planning?
Bitch, I know you, that tough act’s a bluff
So sheket bevaka shut the hell up
Your temper, you lost it!
Oh, cute
Like you’re going to lose this lawsuit
Keeping your piehole shut would be quite wise
Though you kept it open wide for the AEPI guys
And I banged your hedge fund manager fiancé
Back in college over winter holidays
Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball
And honestly, I gotta say
Really not hot at all
Finished quick, rotten lay
This is
A JAP battle
Bane of my existence
Your rhymes are facile
From Golden’s Bridge
To North Castle
Wipe you off the map
In this JAP battle rap
Bunch, you’re a curse, you’re a blight
We were frenemies at first spite
Think your verse is tight?
Then you’re trippin' like birthright
I’ll wipe the mirth right off your ugly mug
And fill you full of slugs
Like a straight up thug
Uh, that word is racist, someone ought to tell you
Like me, I belong to the ACLU
Spare me
I’m a card-carrying member
Plus, I spent a semester in Kenya, remember?
Well, I volunteered in Ghana
Well, I guess that makes us equal
Well, it’s settled then
We’re both cool with black people
'Cause we’re liberals
Duh, progressive as hell
Though, of course, I support Israel
Audra, wait we share so many traits
Should we shake hands and erase the hate?
Created by our mothers pitting
Us against each other for accolades and grades
We were egged on like Seder plates!
Nah, in summation
You left New York
For this sunburnt shtetl
Now you’re like «Oh, Audra, let’s settle»
You want to get salty like the Dead Sea?
Word
But call off this suit or you’re dead, C-word