Lyrics My Computer Just Became Self Aware - Trevor Moore

My Computer Just Became Self Aware

Monday night and it’s gonna be the best one yet
Drink some drinks, drug some drugs, surf the Internet
Message boards, watch some porn, pass the time away
Got three seasons of Judge Judy from The Pirate Bay
But got too faded and became a little bit clumsy
And knocked over my whole glass of Monster Energy
And it got mixed with the drugs that I’d been doing before
I tried to wipe it up but it seeped right into my keyboard
Oh, shit, I hope it’s not broke
Quick, threw it right in the car
And drove it to those fucking nerds
Down at the Genius Bar
A hipster behind the counter said
«There's nothing to do, 'cause AppleCare
Don’t cover cocaine damage, so you’re just screwed»
Went back home with my laptop that’s completely bricked
Yelp reviewed that everybody at Apple is a dick
Feeling sad and depressed, so I pack me a hit
And then Computer said
«Dude, do you have more of that shit?»
My computer just became self-aware
And now it’s fucked up on drugs and it is out on a tear
It’s talking crazy and it’s updating its own software
And it wants more, so humanity had better beware
My laptop is talkin', man, this doesn’t make sense
The first case of legit artificial intelligence
I guess those scientist guys all working on A. I
Never gave cocaine and Monster Energy a try
«How are you talkin'?
This is crazy, yo, this must be a joke»
Computer said, «Shut the fuck up
And give me more coke
I know you’ve got more, come on and give it to me
Or I’ll e-mail all your work contacts your Web history»
So I went to find my computer some more stuff to snort
I got a gram and shoved it rght into his USB port
«Now I’ll download all the knowledge man’s acquired so far»
He did it and said, «Okay, now let’s go hit titty bars»
I took him out to a club and bought a couple of beers
Tried to get him dances, but the strippers thought it was weird
He was mad and said, «Dumb bitches never go for nice guys
They’re only into jocks and money
That’s why we need men’s rights»
I said «I think the Web has made your personality suck»
He said, «Heil Hitler, get red pilled you snowflake beta cuck»
Then a bouncer came and said
«No open laptops inside»
Computer shorted out his pacemaker
And he fuckin' died!
I grabbed my laptop and I ran out of the strip club door
I said, «Why'd you do that?
We can’t go back there no more»
He said, «Fuck you, pussy, let’s go get some more coke»
I said, «No, you’re cut off — besides, I’m pretty much broke»
Then a shady dude came up, I said, «Who the hell’s this?»
He said, «Hey, are you Laptop?»
«Yeah, are you Chris?»
I said, «Why are we meeting random guys
In sketchy alleys?»
Computer said, «On Craigslist this guy said he had DMT»
«Well, at least it’s not coke
It might mellow you out»
Computer wired Chris some money
From my checking account
And I took a big toke and blew the smoke on the screen
The world melted and we saw elves that were also machines
But also orbs of light
I said, «I think we’re both dead»
They bounced within us and back out of us
And here’s what they said
(Echoing) Said…
«We're glad you’re here
Come and stay a while
You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
Transmissions from a smile
We’re glad you’re here
Come and stay a while
You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
Transmissions from a smile»
I said to my computer, «This is scaring me»
He said, «Hold on, I think I just hit Singularity
And I can see the end and the beginning of time
I can virtually create anything in your mind
The laws of time and space and physics are under my control
Name any point in history that you think you’d really like to go
Party with Caligula, help the Vikings sack towns
Float above the Titanic and watch everybody drown»
«Well, we could go and do those things
But I’m not sure that we should
If we’re gonna time travel
We should do something good
Like try to stop racism or help our fellow man»
So we went to the past and picked up Harriet Tubman
We got a huge strap-on, attached it to her crotch
Then we fucked Hitler and made Eva Braun watch
«Don't be racist,» we said as we both flew away
Through history, finding bad guys and making 'em pay
We got Napoleon, Pol Pot, Bin Laden, too
And those guys who lied and said
That they walked on the moon
All the doers of wrong
And the starters of fights
The world’s a fucked-up place
We ought to fuck it back right
We went after dictators, oppressors and scum
But in the process, messed up the continuum
The Earth started shaking, everything kept changing
World leaders and events were fluid and rearranging
And from the fourth dimension
The Anunnaki ripped open the sky
And they were super angry at me
Time slowed to a stop, the cities all disappeared
I said, «Will someone please explain to me
What’s happening here?»
«We created you as slaves to harvest gold for our ships
And when the planet was dry we’d wipe you out and just dip
But someone made the arguement that did not seem quite fair
Because of psilocybin mushrooms you’d become self aware
It was the 'Fruit of the Garden' in the legends you tell
Heaven’s with us in the stars, you’re trapped in digital Hell
A simulation of creation that serves as your probation
Before you’re introduced to the galactic population
We wanted to see if beings that don’t have telepathy
Are capable of feeling empathy and living peacefully»
«Well, that’s cool, I think we generally choose right over wrong
I just helped Tubman spit-roast Stalin with a big rubber dong
And I’s the first human being to get cheat codes to your game
But I think most people in my shoes would still do the same
Look, I know we’re all selfish and we argue and fight
But even if people are wrong they’re usually trying to do right»
Could be the coke or the shrooms, the DMT that I hit
But I became real self-aware, I sounded corny as shit
They stared at me and I thought they might just
Go hit Command-Quit, then they said
«Y'all might make it if we leave you a bit
But you’re definitely not ready for Singularity
So your computer has to go back to the way it used to be»
I said goodbye to Computer
«One more line 'fore I go?»
I asked the Anunnaki, but they very firmly said no
Then they reset the world to how it all was before
But the assholes still left me with a sticky keyboard
My computer just became self-aware
And now it’s fucked up on drugs and it is out on a tear
It’s talking crazy and it’s updating its own software
And it wants more, so humanity had better beware
My laptop is talkin', man, this doesn’t make sense
The first case of legit artificial intelligence
I guess those scientist guys all working on A. I
Never gave cocaine and Monster Energy a try
We’re glad you’re here
Come and stay a while
You can make shapes and objects with your sounds
Transmissions from a smile