Lyrics New In Town - John Mulaney

New In Town

I have a lot of strange interactions on the street.
Years ago I was walking down the street and
a homeless guy came up to me
And he walked up to me and he pushed me,
like that, he pushed me in the chest
And then he said these things, in this order, he pushed me and he said:
Excuse me
I am homeless
I am gay
I have aids
I’m new in town
(audience laughing)
You’re gonna close with new in town?
That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said
As they say in the movie, Jerry McGuire;
«You had me at aids.»
Here’s how I would’ve ordered those things
I would’ve said:
Excuse me
I’m new in town
And it gets worse
(audience laughing)
Didn’t that guy practice his like
pitch at all in the mirror that morning?
And just figure out what he was gonna say?
You know?
Just like in the morning just be like
«Alright what am I gonna do today… what am I gonna do today?
Alright I’ll walk up and say hello
No that’s too subtle
I’m gonna push him
Imma push him
And I’m gonna say, «I'm new in town»
No no, hold back, hold back
Save it
Build to that
How about I go walk up to him
I’ll push him
I’ll go, «I have aids»
No that’s too strong
Alright now
I’m gonna walk up to him
I’m gonna push him
I will start with the fact that I am homeless
As that is a given
Then for a back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay
Which I know its tough for gay youth on the streets
But thats not like a reason for money
You can’t be like
«Hey, would you help me out?
I am very gay, I’d like a few dollars.»
I always loved how he phrased it by the way
He didn’t say
«I'm living on the street»
He said
«I'm new in town»
Like it was intriguing
Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody
Like I have a friend who’s like
«There's no single guys left in Manhattan!»
And I’m like
«I know someone who’s new in town»
«What are three other things about him?»