Lyrics Algebra Song! - John Mulaney

Algebra Song!

I’ll sing a song about karmic wrath
How I lost my eye because I didn’t know math!
I was born in Nola but then we had to flee
Police were searching everywhere for a fella named Daddy
I’m the child of a con man and a saintly mama
We fled for Chicago with nothin' but pajamas
If you don’t see how algebra will save your eye
I’ll tell you why, I’ll tell you why
If you don’t see how algebra will save your eye
Just keep listenin' and I’ll tell you why
By age 13, I was weary of school
Thought doing your homework was the work of a fool
Drop out in a flash and, abracadabra
No more reading, no more algebra
There’s a high on the world and he wanted to join
Throw the passion, fashion, cash an' coin
If you have pocket change, shake shake shake
I have coins up on the dresser
My principal was a hundred and four
Folks said she was a witch, hair down to the floor (Wa doo)
She cackled through a cigarette and said to me
«Not knowing algebra will change the way that you see!»
I got the change!
Too late!
You’re starting to see how algebra will save your eye
It’s clear as the sky, no need to clarify (No no no)
But if you still don’t see how algebra will save your eye
Just keep listenin' and I’ll tell you why (Whoa, whoa)
Hey there, tutor
Yes, that’s me
What’s it like with only one eye to see?
With only one eye, I can never look twice
But when you buy a pair of shades, they’re always half-price!
I was out in the world, my school day’s over (Were over)
Working for a wealthy woman as her chauffeur (A chauffer)
Her husband always traveled and she craved relations
She didn’t care that I didn’t know equations
'Till the day the husband came lookin' for his wife (Wa ooh)
With a jealous heart and an eye-poking knife (Wa ooh)
Madam thought fast, she said, «Pretend you were
Over in the house as a math tutor.»
The husband comes in, said, «I hear you know math.»
I’m as naked as a baby in a bath
He wrote a problem and I got scared
If B is three, what is AX squared
I took my pencil from the man and did my best (Wa ooh)
I drew a stick figure of a lady with breasts (Wa ooh)
He was not amused, threw me 'gainst the wall
And pointed his knife at my eyeball!
But then the phone rang that was next to the bed
The husband picked it up and found that Princess Di was dead
And in the commotion
Oh, the emotion
I escaped with both eyes intact
A ta, a ta, a twelve five nine
So now you see that algebra will save your eye
My story makes sense, on that you can rely.
(No no no)
You’re not confused how algebra relates to my eye
I solved for X (Solve for X) and now you better solve for Y
Ba ba ba bada ba
Ba ba bada ba
Algebra song
Vamp, vamp, vamp, vamp
Vamp!