Lyrics I Saw a White Lady Standing On the Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once a Week) - John Mulaney

I Saw a White Lady Standing On the Street Just Sobbing (And I Think About It Once a Week)

I saw a white lady standin' on the street just sobbin'
And I think about it once a week
It was two years ago
Christmas time, foot of snow
Passing through Union Square
And I saw this crying white lady just kinda standin' there
Funny, what if instead of getting on the subway with my entire class for our
field trip to look at bugs, I’d walked over
I approach, she’s demure
She thinks «Who is this four-foot bachelor?»
So my hand, I extend
And say, «I'm Alex J., and you look like you need a friend
Why are you crying in a public place?
Perhaps a friend of yours was fake to your face
Or did you just come from Trader Joe’s
And you paid too much for your avocados?»
No Kleenex in her purse
I’ve a handkerchief for her—of course
Monogrammed, «Alex J»
«Keep it, ma’am
Because you’re just havin' one of those days.»
I understand
She takes my hand
We walk uptown and dine at Au Bon Pain
I talk of «Sherlock Gnomes» from beginning to end
Then, suddenly, I say, «What's that sound I hear?
Your lovely laugh, my dear»
You’ve got problems and I don’t wanna delve
You’re a grown-up and I’m barely 12
Expel your problems, I can help you with coping
Look me in the eye, and the floodgates will open
They’re phasing out my department
And I will lose my apartment
My mom is no support system
I like bad guys, can’t resist them
Forgot to DVR Drag Race
My friend Alysse, fake to my face
Some fraud made them freeze my AmEx
And then, I ran into my ex
And some days, this city and de Blasio
Just make me scream «Why!?»
Why not just stand here and cry?
And also, this whole time, I’m wearing my dad’s fancy scarf and my Heelys!
Her eyes glisten
I don’t talk, I listen
Then the rain starts again
We scurry down the street into another Au Bon Pain
She takes my handkerchief from her purse
She says, «Alex J., I feel like I’m cursed.»
«Lady, I know that the sky isn’t clear
But it cannot rain every day of the year
You can’t just be crying in your own narrative
Because, 'We tell ourselves stories in order to live.»
She nods—"Joan Didion"
I take her hand to Le Pain Quotidien
And we talk about life and love and «Sherlock Gnomes»
Until it’s time to go home
That’s what I think would happen
But it’s all imagined
And I will wonder 'til the end
What if I hadn’t walked away?
Would that crying lady be my friend?
Anyway, I remember all sorts of things.
Thanks for listening.
And wherever you
are, lady, have a good night.