Lyrics Traffic Accidents–Keep Movin'! - George Carlin

Traffic Accidents–Keep Movin'!

I drive kind of recklessly I take a lot of chances.
I never repair my vehicles.
And I don’t believe in traffic laws.
So I tend to have quite a high number of traffic accidents.
And last week I either ran over a sheep or I ran over a small man wearing a sheepskin coat.
And I don’t know.
Because I didn’t stop.
I do not stop when I have a traffic accident.
Do you?
No you can’t.
Hey who has time?
Not me I hit somebody I run somebody over I keep moving especially if I’ve injured someone.
I do not get involved in that.
I’m not a doctor.
I’ve had no medical training.
I’m just another guy out driving around looking for a little fun and I can’t be stopping for everything.
Well let’s just look at it logically let’s be logical about it.
If you do stop at the scene of the accident.
All you do is add to the confusion.
These people you ran over have enough troubles of their own without you stopping and making things worse.
Leave these people alone.
They’ve just been in a major traffic accident.
The last thing they need is for you to stop and get out of your car and go over to the fire because by now it is a fire.
And start bothering them with a lot of stupid questions.
Are you hurt?
Well.
Of course.
They’re hurt look at all the blood.
You just ran over them in a ton and a half of steel.
Of course they’re hurt leave these people alone.
Haven’t you done enough?
For once in your life do the decent thing don’t get involved.
Well in the first place it’s none of your business none of your business.
The whole thing took place outside of your car.
Legally speaking these people you ran over were not on your property at the time you ran them over.
They were standing in the street that is city property you are not responsible.
If they don’t like it let them sue the city.
And besides.
It happened back there.
It’s over now.
Stop living in the past.
Do yourself a favor count your blessings.
Be glad it wasn’t you and I’ll give you a practical reason not to stop.
You need a practical reason?
If you do stop sooner or later the police are going to show up.
Is that what you want?
Huh?
Waste even more of your time standing around filling out forms answering a lot of foolish questions lying to the authorities?
And by the way who are you to be taking up the valuable time of the police department.
These men and women are professionals they’re supposed to be out fighting crimes.
Stop interfering with police.
And besides.
Didn’t anyone else see this accident?
Huh?
Are you the only one who can provide information?
Surely the people you ran over caught a glimpse of it at the last moment.
So let them tell the police what happened.
They were a lot closer to it than you were.
There’s no sense having two conflicting stories floating around about the same dumb ass traffic accident.
Things are bad enough people are dead families have been destroyed.
Time to get moving.
Now.
On the other hand.
If I should be out driving around looking for a little fun and I see an accident.
One that I’m not involved in. I stop immediately.
Well.
I want to get a good look at what’s going on.
I enjoy that sort of thing.
Someone else is injured I want to take a look.
I am Curious George.
But people don’t like that.
Police don’t like it.
They say you’re rubber necking.
They say you’re blocking traffic.
Never mind that shit.
I want to take a look.
I’m never too busy that I can’t stop to enjoy someone else’s suffering.
And I’ll tell you something else I’m a big fan of traffic accidents.
You know my favorite accident?
Two buses and a chicken truck get hit by a circus train in front of a flea market.
Well.
I want to see something interesting.
I’m looking of a neck sticking out of a gas tank.
If I’m going to take the time to stop I expect a couple of fucking laughs.
And if my car should happen to be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on can't get a good enough look I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer
to the car.
Pardon me.
Officer.
Would you fellows mind dragging that twisted looking chap over here a little closer to the car please?
My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that.
Look at that sugar lips that’s his rib cage sticking out of the glove compartment.
Thank you Officer that will be all now.
You can throw him back on the pile.
We’ll be moving along and off I go onto the highway looking for a little fun.
Perhaps a tanker truck filled with human waste will explode in front of the Pokemon factory.
I appreciate that yeah.
Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to us.
She said you show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
No. That wasn’t her.
That was a guy I met in the Army.
I always confuse those people.