Lyrics Class Clown - George Carlin

Class Clown

Uh, people always want to know how you get started...on this job.
I guess they ask musicians
too...and actors and everything, but, uh, they always want to know how you got started.
They
say, "How'd you get started?"
They say to you, "Did you always want to be a comedian?"
Well,
not in the womb, but right after that, yes, I did.
Sure.
But class clown is when you really do get a chance to kind of ...work out, y'know.
'Cause the
classroom's the best place.
Classroom's best because...well, no one's allowed to laugh there.
And
suppressed laughter, y'know, is they easiest to get, the most fun.
Y'know, like when you're
kneelin' in front of a casket- 'CHORTLE!'
...during the sermon, whatever it is and in the
classroom.
Class clown always sounds like there was only one of 'em, y'know, sounds like "the
class clown" but that's not true, really. There was, y'know, quite often there were two or three or
four of 'em.
Mmm.
Sometimes you'd have a whole classroom full of 'em, man.
If the main guy
was absent, second banana would fill in, right?
And the class clown wasn't really so unique.
Y'know, he didn't necessarily do things that were real different.
It was just..he learned things
first.
He discovered things first and passed them on to the other guys, right?
The class clown was
the first to discover a lot of musical things.
He was the first one to get into Hawaiian nose
humming, right?
('Hawaiian nose humming' sounds) Well, if you're gonna play, play, y'know?
And
then, uh, playing 'head' (raps fist on head with mouth open) You had to be a little 'masso' for
that anyway, man, y'know?
That and throat (taps throat with mouth open) Aah.
Found out later
in life that the beard acts as a mute for soft passages, right?
Well, anyway.
Class clown was the first guy to discover this- usually in gym class, right?
('arm fart' sounds) Yeah,
the old artificial fart under the arm.
Or as we called it in New York, (with heavy New York accent
"The awtificial fawt undah the awm!"
There were a lot of ways to make the fart sound when you
were a kid.
Remember, you had this one, too (makes different fart sound) Then, in the crook of
your arm (another one) It was an important sound, y'know?
I gues..we found so many ways to
make it, y'know?
I didn't need any of those fancy ones, 'cause I could (makes 'regular' mouth fart
noises) I was into the bi-labial fricative, y'know?
I was so glad when I found out that had a real
official name to it, man.
Bronx cheer and raspberry never made it for me.
Bi-labial fricative-
(makes more fart noises, then guy in crowd shouts, "Do one from the back!") Do one from the
back?
It would probably be an SBD today, man.
Remember that?
" Silent But Deadly, wow.
It's true.
Most of the time in class I was tempted to..fool around, man.
Get someone's..that's
what it was, yeah.
You'd be bored and you'd figure, "Well, why not deprive someone else of their
education." And you would set about disrupting the class by...ATTRACTING ATTENTION TO
YOURSELF!
That is the name of this job, y'know?
It's called "Dig me."
It's like, "Hey guys, didn't
make the team, but- BBBBBBLLLLLAH!
They'd say, "Hey, he's crazy, man. Hey, ya wanna go to a
party, wow." Yeah, you went to all the parties. Got the last girl, but you went to all the parties,
man.
BBBBLAH!
When I would, uh, try to attract attention in class, it was..I wasn't really like a very daring and bold youth.
I was a little timid, really.
I didn't get right into fake epileptic seizures in the aisle,
y'know.
Start out and test the water a little bit.
I used to start with little sounds, like- (makes
'pigeon' sounds in throat).
That's a good one 'cause no one can really see where it's coming
from.
(does it again) You can even look around like you don't know.
(once more) That's, of
course, the pigeon;
you recognize the pigeon.
That was my only bird call...'cause that was our
only bird, man.
I was from a real 'New York' part of New York, y'know.
We had pigeons..and, uh,
sparrows;
had sparrows.
Sparrows- you could never pin a sparrow, y'know?.
They would leave
too fast.
You try to go over to a sparrow- 'BROODOOM!'
Pigeons would walk out of your way and
give you a bad look, right?
Poor pigeons, man.
Their song is stuck in their throat.
(makes 'pigeon'
sounds again) That's what livin' in the city does, man.
Sticks your song in your throat.
I'm sure
when the pigeons first got to the city, they had a nice song, man- (does 'birdcall' sounds) Few
years in the city..(makes 'throat' pigeon sounds).
And then that oil slick we laid on 'em;
you've
seen that oil slick on their neck.
I'm sure we gave 'em that.
Pidgies.
I had one sound that was my own.
Not completely my own.
I stole it from a Spike Jones record-
'GLLLGEAH!'
(does variations on the sound) None of the other guys could do that one.
I added a
little something to it- 'HICUPMNNGLLLGEAH!'
No one really cared.
"Get him outta here, willya?"
'GLLLGAH GLLLGEE!'
"Get him outta here."
And then of course, there was- 'POP!'
Popping the
cheek.
Which everyone had to do.
Just to be a kid you had to be able to do that, right?
Yeah, it
was part of the credentials.
"Can he pop his cheek?"
'POP'!
"Okay, he's a kid. Let him in."
Let me
hear all of you do that.
I love it when a whole auditorium does it.
Everybody do it...like that.
(hundreds of pops are heard from the crowd and they laugh at the sound) Now do it without
giving in to the temptation to laugh.
Everybody do it without laughing.
(even more pops are
heard from the crowd and they laugh louder at the speed of the pops) But, uh, we take that for
granted.
We think it's so simple.
You say to yourself, "Well, I think I'll put my finger in my cheek
and pop it." It's not that easy, man. There's a lotta things to think about. Ya gotta know how
much finger to put in there for one, right?
You can't do it like that (jams finger way in), man.
You
have to judge the amount of finger.
You have to know how much air pressure against the cheek,
how much cheek pressure against the air...and when to release.
You see old guys in the park now
can't get it on anymore- MMM!
UHHH!
That's the first thing that goes on a class clown...the
cheeks, man.
They never did issue microphones to the class clowns.
That would have been a big help.
But you
had ones like this- (does popping noises with microphone) And you remember this one?
Old
men always used to do this to you- (makes squeaking noises with his lips) Remember?
Your
grandfather would always do that.
"Hey! Come here!"
(squeak!) Ah ha ha ha!
I was, uh, my specialty was knuckle cracking....I was, uh, I was into it on kind of an esoteric level,
really.
For instance, I could crack all twenty-eight knuckles, you know.
Twenty-eight plus, actually.
Only twenty-eight are officially recognized by the Knuckle Institute.
But you aficionados know
that down at the ends of the fingers you have a lot of multiples and repeaters and, uh, if you
wake up and think about it first thing in the morning you can do fifty or more of 'em, man.
A
little more knuckle lore for you.
The smaller the knuckle, the higher the pitch.
Something we just don't stop to think about, y'know?
For instance, this last knuckle on the pinky is the highest
pitched knuckle;
you'll hear it now...CRACK!
CRACK!
That was a double!
Let's see if I can go for
the double on the other pinky.
I don't often get two doubles in performance;
I'd like to try.
And
that was down a little lower than it should have been.
That's a higher pitched and much more
gentle knuckle, usually.
Let's give the right on the end of the pinky a chance...CRACK!
Let's see if
the other one's in there too...CRACK!
Ahhhh!
Two doubles is far out, yeah!
The best reason for cracking your knuckles was to make the girls sick.
I mean that's... That's all
you wanted to do when you were nine or ten was make the girls sick.
If you could get Margaret
Mary to throw up on her desk in the morning...you knew it would be a good day.
You'd pick the
most squeamish girl.
Margaret Mary was susceptible to knuckles- Hey, Margaret Mary!
CRACK!
"Wooo oooh woo!"
Remember that feeling?
Like wiping off snot.
"Wooo oooh woo!"
Somebody
else's!
"AAAUGH!"
You'd wipe it on flaming wood if you had to.
"Get it off me; it got on me by
accident- AAUUGH!" 'Cause nobody really likes your bodily fluids, y'know. Unless you keep them
to yourself.
People don't want them.
Really, think of it.
Any fluids of semi-fluids that you secrete
or excrete or whatever.
People don't wanna hear it.
Earwax, blood, sweat, "Get it outta here,
man!" Sometimes they'll take your blood if they're in trouble, otherwise keep things inside;
people want you to keep things inside.
Anything you could do disgusting was good for class clown.
Ernest Cruz could turn his upper
eyelids inside out.
Remember those guys, wow.
Even I would go EWWWW!
Don't do that,
Ernest;
you look like the Devil, man.
John Pigman could belch at will.
Not just the ordinary belch.
I mean, we all learned to swallow a little air, y'know, and do the fraternity burp- BRAACK!
But,
uh, John Pigman was an artist, man.
He would save air for like half an hour, man.
You'd see him
over in the corner.
"Hey, John.." "No no, man..(gulping air sounds). "Ah, and when he would
finally let go- 'BRRRIGADDOOMBRIGGADOWWBRRRRUGGADOOWOWOWOW!'
Oh, wow.
Old
ladies...old ladies would puke for blocks around.
He would talk when he burped.
You remember
those guys?
(burping "How do you do? Son of a *****. BLLGADOO! BLLLUGH! He'd try to go
through the whole alphabet on one burp.
(burping ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVW... Sometimes
John would be in the movie theater...and you didn't know he was there.
And then you found out,
man.
If anybody on the screen opened their mouth without saying anything, John would provide
the dialog.
'BRRRRIGADOW!'
"Hey, John's here, man!
Class clown used to save his best stuff for lunchtime...when you were drinking your milk.
And
he'd try to make the milk come out your nose.
"UGGGH! Carlin, you bastard! I'll get you, man!"
It
was even better with 7UP or root beer, y'know?
Get all those bubbles up in their sinuses.
One
time, Michael Davey passed an entire cheese sandwich through his nose.
Sister Annunciado
thought is was a miracle, y'know?
"Come with me, mister and don't talk to the other boys and
girls.
Yeah, you're not allowed to talk to anyone right after a miracle, y'know?
You have to wait
and be debriefed by a priest, right?