| Greetings, young soldier
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| Come, join me by the fire
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| And let me regale you with tales of what the fuck is cracking
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| We’re in an ancient time
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| We face an ancient threat
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| Civilisation’s never dreamt this kind of danger yet
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| Historians are self-assured
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| But they forget the daily tribulations
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| Of the cases from the place and age who met
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| Mythological creatures
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| With the oddest of features
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| At this moment there’s no place
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| Fricking horrid as Greece is
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| Until I cross the seas to Egypt
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| And see that
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| When they say they’ve got a problem
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| They really mean it
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| For Prometheus
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| It seems that getting me’s the easiest
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| Way they could alleviate the evil that is bleeding us
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| But I’m one of leagues of heroes
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| You best believe in us
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| It takes every drop of faith to battle evil thus
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| I tackled hell fire
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| To travel to Delphi
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| And fight what I find
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| From Jackalmen to Telkines
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| I leave at least ten beastmen deceased, dead
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| Each second
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| 'Cause I reckon they don’t really even need breath
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| I cleave heads like a watermelon
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| Before telling a merchant
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| Whatever he still hasn’t bought, I’m selling
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| I’ve got to get the loot
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| The best produced
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| So I look fricking godlike
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| Whenever I’m next to you
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| From Greece to China
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| You’ll never see a finer sort
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| I keep a pile of horns of Minotaurs
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| And Gorgon Queens' vaginal walls
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| Purely for the reason
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| That I could arrive at home
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| And write and then recite this vile rhyme for y’all
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| I never meant to babble on
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| But when I get to Babylon
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| I’m still only part way
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| On the hard path I travel on
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| You won’t find a travelodge
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| Here in the wilderness
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| The plains are just as dangerous
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| As every building is
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| Filled with a selection of enemies to be killed
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| And it’s down to you how you choose skills
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| That you will kill them with
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| Are you built like a brick shit house
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| Or is using spells more a soothing sound?
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| Ensure you’re choosing well
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| I’m felling skeletons
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| As if I’m an elephant
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| Then a second later
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| I’m repelling them with elegance
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| They’re in the closet
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| And I’m burying the evidence
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| I call the force of nature
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| Every one of the four elements
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| I’ve been through countless winters
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| Heat that’d burn hell to cinders
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| Just to lead me now
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| To the heaving mound at Mount Olympus
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| I climb and shout
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| Oi
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| Come out now and fight the best
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| Mortal to walk tall
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| The final bout of Titan Quest
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| Bards
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| Now you may just think these are the
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| Ramblings of a drunken old soldier
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| And you’d probably be right
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| But when the shit hits the fan
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| Whatever a fan is
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| Don’t say I didn’t warn you |