Lyrics Crystal Maidens - Dan Bull

Crystal Maidens

Look, imagine a YouTuber promoting a porn game
Okay, I guess, as long he doesn’t do more of the same
He got away with it once, but twice’d be whoring for fame
Oh, how the mighty have fallen for shame
It finally seems Dan Bull’s befallen his fate
If you’re confused, let me tell you the story to date
I was a rapper with a stack of subscribers
Who were notified every time a track was online
But something happened overnight, we got mass demonetised
And the site was hiding many raps that I’d provided
Naturally, I was like: «what the hell was this shit?»
And found out it was algorithmic
It wasn’t just me that had failed to get hits
A load of other people were well restricted
It seems YouTube want to sell to kid-friendly brands
Using Ellen, Jimmy Fallon and Will Smith
Should have predicted it, but I’m a bit thick
So now I’ve gotta take a risk to get hits
And if you clicked this, it must have worked
You were once a sub, now you’re a customer
So I’m not apologizing for the way I monetise
Anyhow, even if it’s sexualized
These are decedant times calling for decadant measures
So I advertised a game aimed at sexual pleasure
I made a monster
An unholy creation
I made a monster
Just to pay for my vacation
A raging monster
Far too outrageous to mention
I raised this monster
Now it’s aching hard for vengeance
They gave me a sacred sword
And I used it to slay, good Lord
It was made to measure, I slayed some orcs
Then I slayed some flesh, I made some cheddar
Hung it on the wall, put away forever
Then the phone called, don’t take it (hello?)
It was them again
It was Nutaku
I tried resisting their charms, it was hard to
They required me to take up the sword
I was like: «no way, I was mistaken before»
Said «I don’t care how much they could afford
That great big pink thing’s staying on my wall»
They said: «fine, we’ll call our new friend, he um
He’s called The Stupendium»
I flinched so quick, I tore my frendulum
I said «he can’t have it, I already envy him»
Give it to anyone, but don’t give it to that prick
I’ll do the deal, curse your shifty tactics
And that was it, I gave in
Time for misbehaving and saving the Crystal Maidens
Obey the master
Give in to our temptation
Obey the master
Venture from your mother’s basement
Obey the master
Until you master patience
Obey the master
Whose full name is Master Bation
Shipwrecked on a mythical island
The agitator was an evil wizard called Pai
Really miserable type, bloody typical gaiden
Felt of bit of pity for the little poor guy
'Til I felt a bit of titty when I met a cool gal
Who was pretty, she consented, it was ethical, pal
If you’re messing with the maidens, you’re getting called out
They’ll dictate your fate and with nothing ruled out
So this wizard Pai who was plaguing the maidens
Came up and made such a clichéd statement
Said if I want to save the day
Well then, I needed to fight the demon-o'-tization
They made a monster
An unholy creation
Beware this monster
It will truly try your patience
A raging monster
Ruining entire nations
What is this monster?
The demon-o'-tization
I needed to fight the demon-o'-tization
Before it took away all of my savings
Luckily, my sword was just ripe for penetration
So I stuck the blade right up his reputation
No lubrication, toppled right to the ground
Suppose you could say it was a copyright takedown
The maidens were safe, but no time for celebration
There’s another enemy requiring preperation
Suddenly, I had another strange visitation
From the sage saying it was imperative I set up
A base straight away and start training creators
To take on the greatest of dangers we’ve faced yet
A gartantuan, robotic abomination
The monster with 13 arses
They made a monster
So wrong, it could not be right
They made a monster
With 13 bottoms, why?
They made a monster
One we’ve all got to fight
They named this monster
Robocopyright