| Gods of the theatre, smile on us
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| You who sit up there stern in judgment
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| Smile on us
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| You who look down on actors… (And who doesn’t?)
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| Bless this yearly festival and smile on us
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| We offer you song and dance
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| We offer you rites and revels
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| We offer you grace and beauty
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| Smile on us for this while
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| You who sit up there stern in judgment, smile on us
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| We offer you song and dance
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| We offer you rites and revels
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| We offer you gods and heroes
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| We offer you jokes and insults
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| We offer you (we offer you) paeans and pageants
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| Bacchanals and social comment
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| Bless our play and smile
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| Yes, but first…
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| Some dos and don’ts
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| Mostly don’ts:
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| Please don’t cough
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| It tends to throw the actors off
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| Have some respect for Aristophanes
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| And please, don’t cough
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| Please don’t squeak
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| We haven’t oiled the seats all week
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| You wouldn’t want to miss a single work of Greek
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| It’s hard enough for us to hear each other speak
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| So please, don’t squeak
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| If you see flaws, please
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| No loud guffaws, please
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| Only because, please
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| There are politer ways
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| As for applause, please
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| When there’s a pause, please
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| Although we welcome praise
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| The echo sometimes lasts for days…
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| (Days…days…days…days…)
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| But first…
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| (Days…days…days…days…)
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| Don’t take notes
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| To show us all you know the famous quotes
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| And when you disapprove don’t clear your throats
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| Or throw your crumpled programs, coins and coats
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| Or tell your neighbor scintillating anecdotes
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| And please, refrain
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| From candy wrapped in cellophane
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| If we should get rhetorical
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| Please don’t curse
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| Wait till it’s allegorical
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| And in verse!
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| If we should get satirical
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| Don’t take it wrong
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| And if, by a sudden miracle
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| A tune should appear that’s lyrical
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| Don’t hum along
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| When we are waxing humorous
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| Please don’t wane
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| The jokes are obscure but numerous…
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| We’ll explain
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| When we are waxing serious
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| Don’t squirm or laugh
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| It starts when we act mysterious
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| And if you’re in doubt, don’t query us
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| I’ll signal you when we’re serious
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| (It's in the second half)
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| (Half…half…half…half…)
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| But first…
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| Please, don’t leave
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| It only makes the actors grieve
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| We may have something better up our sleeve
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| So please
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| Don’t leave
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| Don’t say, «What?»
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| To every line you think you haven’t got
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| And if you’re in a snit because you’ve missed the plot
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| (Of which I must admit there’s not an awful lot)
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| Still don’t
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| Say, «What?» |
| (What?)
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| Do not intrude, please
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| When someone’s nude, please
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| She’s there for mood, please
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| And mustn’t be embraced
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| If we are crude, please
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| Don’t sit and brood, please
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| Let’s not be too strait-laced —
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| The author’s reputation isn’t based
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| On taste
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| So please, don’t fart —
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| There’s very little air and this is art
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| And should we get offensive, don’t lose heart
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| Pretend it’s just the playwright being smart
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| Eventually we’ll get to the catharsis, then depart
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| And now…
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| But first…
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| We start |