Lyrics The Worst Pies in London - Stephen Sondheim

The Worst Pies in London

A customer!
Wait!
What’s your rush?
What’s your hurry?
You gave me such a… fright!
I thought you was a ghost!
Half a minute, can’t ya sit?
Sit ya down!
Sit!
All I meant is that I haven’t seen a customer for weeks
Did ya come here for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me head’s a little vague
What was that?
But you’d think we’d have the plague
From the way that people keep avoiding
No, you don’t!
Heaven knows I try, sir!
But there’s no one comes in even to inhale
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?
Mind you I can hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London
I know why nobody cares to take them
I should know
I make 'em
But good?
No…
The worst pies in London…
Even that’s polite!
The worst pies in London!
If you doubt it take a bite!
Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it
It’s nothing but crusting
Here drink this, you’ll need it
The worst pies in London
And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is
When you get it
Never thought I’d live to see the day
Men’d think it was a treat findin' poor animals
What are dyin' in the street
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop
Does a business but I notice something weird
Lately, all her neighbors cats have disappeared
Have to hand it to her!
What I calls enterprise!
Poppin' pussies into pies!
Wouldn’t do in my shop!
Just the thought of it’s enough to make you sick
And I’m telling you them pussycats is quick
No denying times is hard, sir!
Even harder than the worst pies in London
Only lard and nothing more
Is that just revolting?
All greasy and gritty?
It looks like it’s molting
And tastes like… Well, pity
A woman alone!
With limited wind
And the worst pies in London!
Ah, sir
Times is hard
Times is hard!