| Uh, Progressive Education
|
| When Kim was fifteen his father allowed him to withdraw from the school,
|
| because he was so unhappy there, and so much disliked by the other boys and
|
| their parents… «I don’t want that boy in the house again,» said Colonel
|
| Greenfield. |
| «He looks like a sheep killing dog.»
|
| «It is a walking corpse,» said a St. Louis matron, poisonously. |
| And years later
|
| came a settled bank account. |
| When bored to very death, he said «It isn’t every corpse that can walk, hers can’t.»
|
| «The boy is rotten clear through, and he stinks like a polecat,»
|
| Judge Ferris pontificated. |
| But this was, uh, more or less true, uh…
|
| When angered, aroused or excited, Kim flushed bright red and steamed off a
|
| rank, a ruddish animal smell. |
| «The child is not wholesome!» |
| said Mr Kindheart,
|
| with his usual restraint
|
| Kim was the most unpopular boy in the school — if not in the town of St. Louis.
|
| «Eh, they’ve got nothing to teach you anyways,» his father said.
|
| «Why the headmaster’s a fucking priest.»
|
| Uh, the summers, they spent at the farm and Kim loved squirrel hunting in the
|
| early morning. |
| And usually went hunting with Jerry Ellisor, who lived next door.
|
| Because Jerry had a slinky black hound dog. |
| And everybody knows you can’t find
|
| any squirrels without a dog to bark up the tree where the squirrel is
|
| Kim remembers a friend of his father’s, an unobtrusively wealthy man,
|
| who travelled all over the world studying unusual methods of hand-to-hand
|
| fighting. |
| And he wrote a book about it. |
| Kim remembers him as looking very safe
|
| and happy. |
| He could kill anyone in sight and he knew it. |
| And that was a good
|
| feeling
|
| The book was fascinating. |
| Chinese practitioners, who can kill with a soft
|
| twisting blow just in the right place, and at the right time. |
| The 'Soft Touch'
|
| it is called. |
| Kim hummed a funeral march, happily. |
| And a magnificent silky old
|
| Indian, who specialized in a lightning blow to the testicles. |
| The 'Golden
|
| Target' he called it. |
| «He was the most unpleasant man I have ever met,»
|
| the writer reports. |
| «After a scant quarter hour in his company,
|
| I was impotent for a full week.» |
| And so, the writer, he tries to impress this
|
| old Midas. |
| By breaking a stack of bricks with his karate chop. |
| And the Indian
|
| sets up an equal stack, and he adds one brick. |
| And he does it, he lightly
|
| thumps the stack. |
| And the writer points a finger at the top brick,
|
| which is undamaged. |
| The old practitioner lifts the top brick. |
| All the bricks
|
| under it had been shattered, as if hit by a sledgehammer
|
| And a bartender in Paris had fashioned a weapon from his breath.
|
| «By taking certain herbs, he had developed a breath so pestiferous that when
|
| standing six feet away, breathed on me. |
| Words cannot convey the vertiginous
|
| retching horror, that enveloped me as I lost consciousness. |
| And for days after
|
| I shuddered at the memory, of that awesome breath.» |
| Well, he beats the skunk at
|
| his own game. |
| But generally speaking, when it comes down to hand, to teeth,
|
| claw, poison, uh, quail shot, fighting animals beat humans in any direction
|
| So Kim had of course thought of living weapons. |
| But the only animal that’s been
|
| taught to attack reliably on command is the dog. |
| Though many other animals
|
| would be vastly more efficient as fighting machines. |
| The bobcat, the lynx,
|
| the incomparable wolverine that can drive a bear from its kill.
|
| Kim looked in distain at Jerry’s dog Rover. |
| A skulking, cowardly,
|
| inefficient animal. |
| Kim usually spotted the squirrel before Rover could sniff
|
| it out. |
| When Jerry wasn’t around, Kim would corner Rover and transfix him with
|
| his witch stares and intone. |
| «Bad dog…» And Rover begins to cower and cringe
|
| and whimper — and finally, desperate to ingratiate himself, he rolls on his
|
| back and pisses all over himself… While Kim enjoyed this spectacle,
|
| it was not enough to compensate for the continuous proximity of this filthy,
|
| fawning, vicious, shit eating beast! |
| «Ah, but then, who am I to be critical,»
|
| Kim thought philosophically
|
| Kim had just read a juicy story about African medicine men, who capture hyenas |
| and blind them with red hot needles and burn out their vocal cords as they
|
| intone certain spells. |
| Binding the tortured animals to their will,
|
| to fashion a silent dedicated instrument of death. |
| Kim looked speculatively at
|
| Rover and licks his lips. |
| Rover creeps whimpering behind Jerry’s legs
|
| «…Colonel Felzi’s pipe. |
| They attacked at dawn like gray shadows.
|
| I saw a boy go down hamstrung. |
| Next thing, his throat is ripped out.
|
| I couldn’t see what was doing it — it was like a ghost attack. |
| But the boys
|
| knew. |
| And the cry went up. |
| „Schmoon, schmoon!“ That’s the native word for
|
| hyenas, blinded by their beastly medicine men… We intended to capture a male
|
| gorilla in the mountains. |
| Species there are somewhat smaller than the lowland
|
| breeds. |
| So we had a cage just so big, and big enough, and I managed to nip into
|
| it and lock the door. |
| I’ll never forget my boys pleading to be let in,
|
| as the hyenas tore them apart. |
| Ah, that sight will haunt me to my dying day.
|
| Couldn’t chance it you know, uh, one boy wedging the door and that would’ve
|
| been it, mm. |
| And they’re a blind animal, panicked, they couldn’t understand my
|
| position. |
| They scream curses at me.»
|
| «Well», Kim put it, «what can you expect from people with no breeding?»
|
| «Oh yes, of course, exactly. |
| Uh, Kipling, you know, the writer chap, uh…
|
| Speaks to the lesser breed without the law. |
| Awfully depressing, all that.» |