| I think I’m in love
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| But I’ve been feeling otherwise
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| These flutters in my stomach aren’t butterflies
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| But cutting knives
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| And not the butter kind
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| And if you listen close when she begins to speak
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| You’ll hear a couple hundred sighs
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| And the collective shut of eyes
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| Letters linger on her lips like lullabies
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| I think I’ve drowned a couple times
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| Inside her opal-colored eyes
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| She could do something as simple as sit down
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| With the grace of Olympic dives
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| A perfect 10 photo shutter finish on her cocoa butter thighs
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| Catch her wearing loose pajamas on a sunday
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| And she’d overshadow any supermodel on a runway
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| When she wakes up in the morning
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| She smells like vanilla essence
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| And the bittersweet recollections of your adolescence
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| Summer camp and piano lessons
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| And presents you got on birthdays
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| Orange creamsicles and double plays on first base
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| And walk past her in the halls
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| And if your shoulders feel the slightest brush
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| Then you might melt to liquid gold
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| The lightest kind of Midas touch
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| I’ve seen the way she drinks espresso during classes
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| And reshapes a paper cup into an emerald-covered chalice
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| Sugar packets pouring crystals
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| Napkin origami cranes
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| Gunning gorgeous glances to me through her Giorgio Armani Frames
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| She’s nearly perfect in
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| Almost
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| Every
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| Way
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| But she’s got shit taste in movies
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| Ask her for her favorite titles
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| And she always likes to say
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| She’s down to go see anything by Shyamalan or Michael Bay
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| And also she’s a psycho in the kitchen — it’s a travesty
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| What kind of fucking monster cooks their pasta in the microwave
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| And she does this thing
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| Where she corrects your grammar if it’s wrong
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| And clicks her tongue and winks and shoots a playful finger gun
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| As if she’s won some sorta contest
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| Empress victor-of-a-conquest
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| Mrs. armchair shrink
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| Let me fix you with a comment
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| Princess kick you when you’re down
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| Worshiper to a godhead
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| It seldom happens that she listens to my voice
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| And doesn’t chime in quick with unsolicited advice
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| An unapologetic tyrant of passive aggressive rivalry
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| Ask her a question
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| And catch and handful of sass and irony
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| And trust me, she is just the worst at board games
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| Debates about the rules like legislators at a court case
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| Tampers with the scales of justice
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| Wielding pencils as her gavel
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| Once I even caught her cheating while she kept the score in Scrabble
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| She’s a fucking wreck at checkers
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| Plays Monopoly sloppily
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| Always bringing up disputes in games of trivial pursuit
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| Sucks at Battleship and Risk
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| She fights better hand-to-hand
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| And don’t even get me started 'bout how trash she is at Candy Land
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| (Like you can’t, like you can’t be bad at that that game yet you’ve,
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| you lose all the time. |
| It doesn’t make any sense.)
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| But I’m no adonis either
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| Fashion sense abysmal, I’ve got two nirvana t-shirts
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| That I wear to formal outings
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| And I’ve never owned a cardigan
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| Catch me buyin' cargo pants at target from the bargain bin
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| Drink milk straight out the carton
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| Use my hands to scoop out margarine
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| Breakfast table etiquette makes up our morning arguments
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| And I’m not a glass half full kinda guy
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| Shipwrecked, flags half-mast hull kinda guy
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| I never was an optimist
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| Not too good at compromise
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| The problem is my ego’s far too fragile to apologize
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| But she always calls me out
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| And takes me down a couple pegs too
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| It’s always nice to have somebody close who double-checks you
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| And honestly, we wouldn’t be ourselves if we were different
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| Yeah, she’s clumsy and I’m stupid
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| Those are things that we can live with
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| Being perfect’s unrealistic
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| Either way I like our flaws
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| The way I crack my knuckles often
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| The obnoxious way she yawns
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| The way I stutter when I flirt
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| Cause I’m not very good with courtship
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| The way she’s gotta pee the first ten minutes of a road trip
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| How when she cuts her pancakes it’s in slices, not in squares
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| The way my daily coffee intake is a crisis I’m aware
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| The way I talk in crowded theatre
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| And the way she parks in parallel
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| The way she goes through pints of Ben and Jerry’s salted caramel |