Lyrics Currency - Louis C.K.

Currency

And I went to England.
I spent a month there.
I liked England.
Everything’s different.
I mean,
that’s obvious, But some of The differences were cool.
I like the money, The money- Instead of a
dollar bill They have the pound coin.
And it’s a coin and You throw it on the counter.
It felt kind
of cool.
Like the old west.
Like going on the-you know, Being on the dusty trail.
You see a saloon,
so you walk Over to it with your horse.
You throw the rope Vaguely at the pole outside.
That
thing they do.
It’s my whole life On that horse.
Should be fine.
Just… Walk in the saloon.
“Give
me a beer, The bottle of whiskey, “And a room for a week, “Steak dinner, shave And a haircut and
a bath, “And some new clothes And a hat and some boots, And some oats for my horse, And a
woman.
” Here you go.
Ping.
That’s all.
One heavy coin.
You’re fine.
Nobody adds up all those
things You mentioned.
They don’t check To see what coin it was.
The guy just keeps Drying the
glass.
Things were very vague Back then.
Things just cost money.
“Hey, how much is that?”
“Money.”
In the old english movies, It was different.
It was a little sack of coins.
Remember that little Drawstring sack Tossed over By some faggy lord With a ruffled shirt.
Throw it disdainfully
down To some commoner Who’s gonna do something Beneath his station.
“Follow the girl and
report Back to me at midnight.
“Bring a shovel and a sack “And two reliable men Such as
yourselves.
“Oh, what’s that?
Oh, yes, of course.
Well, This ought to be sufficient.
” Meh, just-
shink.
“Oh, thank you, sir.
” The guy’s so happy To get a general amount of some kind of currency
or another.
He didn’t, like, count it.
Like, “I think you only gave me Enough for the shovel.
There’s
not enough there.
“
That was a good time In our economy, When you needed to have gold To buy shit.
We might be
going back to that Pretty soon too.
Things are pretty fucked up.
People are a little bit scared.
But
you know what?
How bad could it really get?
I mean, most Americans Have so much crap You
could lose most of it And still be- Have more shit Than the average Canadian, Even.
Like, we’re
the fattest People in the world, And we just have All this shit, And we hate it.
We’re just
miserable With our phones.
“Fucking… ” Just angry all the time.
And I worry about The economy
failing, Because we don’t- We can’t even- We’re miserable With a great life.
Like, I don’t know
How the fuck We’re gonna deal with, like, When you got to move your mom Into the cellar and
shit And, like, have, like, Serious problems.
Because we have, like- Up till now, We have white-
We have white people problems In America, That’s what we have.
White people problems.
You
know what that is?
That’s where your life Is amazing, So you just make shit up To be upset about.
People in other countries Have real problems.
Like, “oh, shit, They’re cutting off All our heads
today.
” Things like that.
Here we make shit up To be upset about.
“Like, how come I have to
choose A language on the ATM machine?
It’s bullshit.
” “I shouldn’t have to do that.
I’m
American.
” God, the shit We bitch about.
I called American Airlines, And I got a xstani lady.
And
she was in Pakistan.
Only people near my fat, White body should have jobs.
I’ll tell you what,
though.
When I call American Airlines And I get the Pakistani lady, I hang up and I call again.
I do.
I’m gonna tell you honestly.
And it’s not because I don’t like her, And it’s not because She doesn’t
speak English, ‘Cause she speaks Way better than I do.
She’s just a better person.
It’s so clear.
And I know-here’s why I don’t like talking to her.
‘Cause I know she doesn’t Give a shit About me
and My white people problems.
I want to talk To the lady from Texas, Who’s- “Well, how can I
help you?”
That’s the lady I want.
I just know when I- “Hello, American-” “Oh, fuck.
You don’t
care.
” There’s no way.
Why would you?
I’m in my underwear.
“Hi, I have a layover In Dallas that’s
really long, And I was wondering if-” And she’s like, “Oh, really?
“I haven’t had a clean glass of
water in ten years, okay?
“Two of my kids Died this morning.
“I still came to work, You fat shit.
“I
can hear your fat Over the phone.
Why don’t you hang up And kill yourself?”
Why would she
care?
But we just-God.
Standing at the ATM.
“I can’t believe They make me go like this.
Stupid.”
What the fuck Are you complaining about?
You push a button and money Comes out a fucking
slot.
It didn’t used to be that way.
When I was younger, You had to go in the bank.
Remember
that?
You had to go inside the bank.
Now you look in the bank, You’re like, “what are those
People doing in there?
Are they cleaning?
The money’s out here.”