Song information On this page you can find the lyrics of the song Values (How Much Is That Dog Crap in the Window?), artist - George Carlin. Album song Classic Gold, in the genre
Date of issue: 31.03.1992
Age restrictions: 18+
Record label: Laugh.com
Song language: English
Values (How Much Is That Dog Crap in the Window?) |
The whole revolution is about values. |
Values of any kind, y'know? |
What you'll do for ten dollars; |
what you'll do with ten dollars. |
It all comes down to values; |
what you value and how much. |
And, |
uh, I often think of that. |
'Cause you can buy anything in this country. |
Businessmen are the ones |
who really, like, kinda got this country where it is in both ways, in both the positive and the |
negative, man. |
They did... the businessman. |
'Cause there's no morality in business. |
Just a ledger. |
Keep it in the black. |
Show a profit-(staccato) Keep it in the black - keep it in the black. |
Never |
mind your soul. |
Never mind the landscape. |
Never mind the other guy. |
Keep it in the black-keep it |
in the black-do what you can-keep it in the black. |
BUSINESS AS USUAL GOING ON! |
Big plywood |
up there. |
BUSINESS AS USUAL! |
Businessman did it. |
That's right. |
You can buy anything in this |
country. |
Anything you can think of! |
You can probably buy a left nostril inhaler if you look around |
long enough... . |
With your state motto on it... Glows in the dark- anything, man. |
If you nail |
together two things that have never been nailed together before, some schmuck will buy it from |
you, man. |
"Yeah, give you a dollar and a half for that." |
Yeah, anything at all. |
Values. |
Often think of that... when I go past the novelty store. |
You know the novelty store- tricks, jokes, fun. |
Fool your friends. |
They sell, uh, the dribble glass... joy buzzer... whoopee cushion - |
called 'poo-poo' cushion in the larger towns. |
You put it down- PPPTT! |
"Hey! Phil farted! Ha ha ha |
ha ha!" It's very big with the Shriners and American Legion are into those things. They're a little |
retentive anyway, so why not. |
Let 'em have it. |
A lotta things for sale in that store, y'know? |
They |
have a fly in an ice cube... snake matches, pepper gum, cigarette loads. |
Big thumb with a lotta |
bruises on it. |
There's a great one. |
They also sell fake food... which really knocks me out. |
Got |
rubber hot dogs, plastic fried eggs. |
The ones I saw were made in Austria. |
Imagine that - imported |
plastic fried eggs, wow. |
Plastic Swiss cheese. |
They have a little foam rubber sandwich with a bite |
missing from it. |
I often wonder how hungry people feel when they walk past. |
Guys that don't |
have lunch money together, man. |
Goin' past the novelty store - "Wow, that'd be salty. I'd be |
ready for a little trashing right away, y'know?" Start there. |
That's not the biggest insult. |
The biggest insult however, is the, uh, ...the fake vomit. |
Imagine |
that - artificial vomit, wow. |
Some people can't scrape real vomit together, man. |
Guys are |
ordering three dozen vomit on the phone, man. |
I've seen a couple different brand names on |
that. |
One of 'em's called "Glop". |
Another one is "Whoops!" |
Isn't that great - 'whoops!' |
Tells you |
where to use it, too. |
They have little hints on a piece of cardboard. |
It's stapled to a piece of |
cardboard and it tells you where to use it. |
"On the car seat" ... There's a good one. |
"On the |
sidewalk", naturally. "Bathroom floor" they suggest there. |
The one that knocks me out is "near the refrigerator". |
It's so strange 'cause some, some grown |
person had to think of that! |
Some guy was at work one day and said, "Hey, Phil! I got another |
one! |
'Near the refrigerator', huh?" "Beautiful, Charley! |
Lemme call the printer. |
Hey!" Near the |
refrigerator..wow. |
Fake vomit. |
Lenny Bruce once said the reason the artificial vomit sells is because the artificial dog crap sold |
so well. |
I grew up watching the dog crap in the window, boy. |
I always thought.. first, I thought a |
doggie had gotten in the window and done it there, y'know. |
It was always next to the false teeth |
that you wind up and let go, right? |
Good ol' plaster of Paris dog crap, wow. |
Sure is strange. |
How |
do ya ask for that, y'know? |
Whaddaya say to the guy? |
"I'd like to see something in a dog crap, |
please." "Well, what did you want to spend on that?" "Money's no object. |
It's for a very good |
friend. |
I rather fancy that beige number in the window." "That's not beige. |
That's champagne |
gold!" It's free to the month Bulldog you buy Bulldog we saw in the Fox Terrier free. Imagine |
would be collectors you know guys that had every breed. |
"Hey you got any Saint Bernard?" |
"Yes, |
but there's no room in the window for that". The Doberman Pinscher you'd always know the |
authentic Doberman Pinscher would be the one with the little pieces of clothing and buttons in |
it. |
I'd like to include a card with that please love to all damn put that on my diners club you might |
gift wrapping it for me in and it sure is change. |