Lyrics The Opening - George Carlin

The Opening

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey… hey… hey… You know… You know… you know something people don’t talk about in public any more, pussy farts.
Anyway, once again for me it is HBO time.
We’re back at the Beacon Theater – by the way – for the third time in a row.
And I’d do as some of you know this is the 12th show.
I’ve been doing them since 1977. It usually takes me about two.
Two and a half years, and that means for the last couple of years I’ve been out floating around, bouncing around the cities and the towns in this country, and the theaters and concert halls.
Working on my stuff.
Probably been in your hometown a couple of times since the last time I saw you.
Hey, you know me, if they got a zip code, I’ll fucking be there.
Busy as a dyke in a hardware store.
Did you ever notice up on a barn they got a weather vane up on a barn?
And by the way I don’t do transitional material.
You probably picked that up right away.
I just kind of go right into the next thing and at this moment.
We’re on barns.
But you ever notice up there they got that weather vane.
And usually it’s a rooster or a cock.
It’s the same animal.
Really you know.
It’s just a different name.
You know why they got a cock on the weather vane?
Because if they had a cunt the wind would blow right through it.
Well a lot of people don’t know that.
That’s why I travel around so much.
I’m here to entertain and inform.
Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say to me.
You know.
He’d look at me and he’d say I’m going upstairs and fuck your grandma.
He’s just a really honest man you know.
He wasn’t going to bullshit a four-year-old.
Now.
Folks.
Before we get too far along here tonight there’s something we got to talk about.
Everybody knows what it is.
It’s in the air.
It’s in the city and naturally I’m talking about the events of September 11 and everything that’s happened since that time.
And the reason we have to talk about it is otherwise.
It’s like the elephant in the living room that nobody mentions.
I mean yeah there it is.
Sitting on the fucking couch and nobody says a word.
It’s like if you’re at a formal garden party and you go over to the punchbowl and you notice floating around there’s a big turd and nobody says a word about it you know.
Nobody says lovely party Jeffrey but there’s a turd in the punchbowl.
So we got to talk about it.
If nothing else just to get it out of our way so we can have a little fun here tonight because otherwise the terrorists win.
Don’t you love that stuff?
Yeah.
That’s our latest mindless cliché.
Go out and buy some jewelry and a new car otherwise the terrorists win.
Those business assholes really know how to take advantage don’t they?
So here’s what I’m thinking folks by now everybody’s supposed to know that when it comes to survival.
Staying alive that you know you have to be you can’t be too picky and choosy about the company you’re going to keep.
Sometimes you have to cooperate with some kind of unsavory people people you don’t like people you don’t trust people you don’t respect the kind of people you might not even invite into your own home.
So for that reason.
Tonight I’m announcing my intention to cooperate with the United States government.
I’m even thinking of lending my support to Governor Bush.
Good old Governor Bush.
I’m hoping he does a good job.
If he does may we might think of electing him President in 2004, okay?
Now.
The reason for my decision is a fairly simple one I mentioned it already survival okay.
And in order to learn that Mother Nature yeah.
Always took my cue from nature.
I realized some time ago that I’m not separate from nature just because I have a primate brain an upper brain.
Because underneath the primate brain there’s a mammalian brain.
And beneath the mammalian brain there’s a reptilian brain.
And it’s those two lower brains that made the upper brain possible in the first place.
Here’s the way it works.
The primate brain says give peace a chance.
The mammalian brain says give peace a chance but first let’s kill this motherfucker.
And the reptilian brains says let’s just kill the motherfucker.
Go to the peace rally and get laid.
Because the first obligation the first obligation of any organism is to survive.
The second is to reproduce.
Survival is more important than fucking.
Pacifism is a nice idea.
But it can get you killed.
We’re not there yet folks evolution is slow.
Smallpox is fast.
Now the government has asked all of us to come up with suggestions and ideas that we might have to help them to fight terrorism.
That will give you an idea of how much shit they have on the shelf.
And like any good citizen I’m ready with my suggestions.
Now.
First of all.
Overseas in Afghanistan I think you have to use the most powerful weapon you have in this case.
Chemical warfare of a type never used before.
And I’m talking about the flatulent airborne reaction team.
F-A-R-T.
Fart.
Here’s what you do you take thousands of overweight male NFL football fans.
Thousands of them.
We’re going to start with a nucleus of Giants fans and Jets fans.
Got to start with that nucleus.
Now it might be necessary to include some Bills fans and Eagles fans too.
This is war.
You can’t be choosy.
And I’m also thinking about getting some of those big fat cocksuckers who root for the teams in the NFC Central.
Chicago Bears fans Green Bay Packer fans guys who eat a lot of bratwurst.
And all these guys have to be over pounds.
What you do is for days you put them on a diet of nothing but cheese cabbage and beer.
That’s all they get for days.
For many of these men this will not be a new diet.
You fill them up with cheese and cabbage and beer and you drop them into Afghanistan where they commence chemical warfare of the highest order.
You send three-man fart squads into every cave and tunnel in Afghanistan just send them in there.
And then ya smoke them out.
These good citizens will release horrendous deadly farts the kind of fart that could kill cancer.
The kind of fart that comes in handy if you have something that needs welding.
The kind of fart that if you let one go at home minutes later your plants are all yellow.
The kind of fart that after two or three days you begin to realize there are no more birds in your neighborhood.
A fart that would eat the stitching out of Levis.
Can I get away with one more fart joke here?
The kind of fart whereby the Centers for Disease Control declares your pants a level biohazard.
That takes care of overseas.
That’s overseas.
On the domestic side.
In this country and before I tell you my plan for the domestic side.
I want to.
Because it does come from a kind of New York frame of mind I want to mention my New York credentials.
And they are as follows.
I was born on this island.
Manhattan island.
Therefore I was born in New York City New York County and New York State.
City county and state and besides that.
And on top of that I was born at New York Hospital on East rd Street.
But here’s the capper something you don’t know.
You know where I was conceived?
Rockaway beach.
Rockaway that’s right in a hotel on Beach 116th Street called Curley’s Hotel, so if you hear or see anything later on about New York, you’ll know my credentials are in good order.
Here’s what you do domestically.
You take Don Imus’ advice.
And you tell this Tommy Thompson and Tom Ridge good try nice going we’ll see you later and in charge of the whole domestic thing you put Rudolph Giuliani, an Italian from Brooklyn okay?
Okay.
Now.
Let’s have a little fun here tonight.
Let's do the show that I was planning on right up till September 10. And it starts by me explaining to you me explaining to you that a lot of you know this already I don't talk about myself very much in these shows you know it's
really not my style.
But I had an incident in traffic recently that I think I ought to tell you about.
And there are a couple of things about me you ought to know first.