Lyrics Heavy Mysteries - George Carlin

Heavy Mysteries

Once a week, Father Russell would come in for "Heavy Mystery" time.
And you'd save all your
weird questions for Father Russell.
In fact, you'd make up strange questions.
You'd take a whole
week thinking up trick questions for Father Russell.
"Hey, hey, hey Father! Hey, uh, if God is all-
powerful, can he make a rock so big that he himself can't lift it?
HA, HA, HEEEEEY!
WE GOT HIM
NOW!
AH, HA, HA!"
Or else you'd take a very simple sin and surround it with the most bizarre circumstances you could imagine...
to try to, y'know, relieve the guilt in the sin.
We'd usually end
up with the, uh, statement, "Would that then be a sin then, Father?"
Like, here, this is an example.
There was one sin- not receiving communion during Easter time.
You had to perform your "Easter duty".
You had to receive once between Ash Wednesday and
Pentecost Sunday and if you didn't do it, it was a mortal sin.
Provided, of course, you had said to
yourself, "Hey, I'm not gonna do it this year!"
And, uh, there weren't many mortal sins on that,
but a lot of guys went to Venial(?) City on Easter duty and so you would ask the priest y'know,
you'd..."Hey, Father, hey, uh.." Remember guys would leave their hand up after they got called
on, right?
And the priest would say, "What are you, the Statue of Liberty, Dunn?"
"Oh, sorry
Father.
Anyways, Father.
Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty...and it's Pentecost
Sunday...the last day...and you're on a ship at sea...and the chaplain goes into a coma...but you
wanted to receive.
And then it's Monday, too late...but then you cross the International Date
Line!" "Yes, I'm sure God will take that into account.
Sit down, Woozie." ..."