Lyrics Autoerotic Asphyxia - George Carlin

Autoerotic Asphyxia

They would go for it.
Listen, young people are attracted to suicide in the first place.
Did you know suicide is the third leading cause of death between 15 and 24?
It’s third.
Ninth in the general population.
That will give you an idea of how popular this after school activity has become among our teenage folks.
Especially these young boys, these adolescent males.
And a lot of them you know, a lot of them.
They kill themselves when they’re jerking off.
They don’t mean to.
It just happens.
You know about that?
Yeah, some you know.
I can tell.
Yeah.
A lot people don’t know about it.
A lot of people never heard of that, you know.
It’s just one of those things Americans can’t handle.
“We can’t handle that.
We don’t talk about that.”
It’s not on Larry King Live.
It ain’t on Barbara Walters.
You ain’t going to see it in “People” magazine but it’s out there.
Folks.
It’s out there and it is extremely common.
You just ask any teenage boy you know who trusts you.
Ask him what he knows or what he’s heard about cutting off your air supply just at the moment you’re about to have a sexual release.
He’ll tell you an interesting story or two.
The kids call it “scarfing”, because some of them use scarfs to do it.
Well.
Screw the kid.
Just get on the Internet.
Do it yourself.
Google in the words autoerotic asphyxia.
Autoerotic asphyxia.
It’s the practice of cutting off the oxygen to the brain at the last moment during masturbation in order to heighten the orgasm.
And when I say common, a thousand kids a year die this way, okay?
A thousand of them die.
So think how many of them are trying to pull this off.
If you pardon the little pun that I throw in there just to lighten the mood.
But here’s the way it works.
Apparently, I never tried it.
It sounded risky to me.
Well, jerking off is all I need.
You know what I mean.
Folks?
I ain’t trying to double my money.
Fuck that shit.
No, I just jerk off, wipe off my chest, get up and go to work, you know.
That’s it.
That’s it.
That’s it.
Nothing fancy.
Nothing fancy at our house.
We’re simple folk.
But here is the way it’s supposed to work and this is why it’s such a big attraction in the first place.
Apparently it is true, medically, physiologically speaking that if you can cut off your air supply, the oxygen to your brain just at the moment you’re about to have an orgasm, the orgasm is about, I don’t know.
Let’s say 500 times better.
Something like that.
It’s incredibly intense.
So what you got to do is stand up on a chair or a bucket or some kind of thing, you put a rope around your neck and you start jerking off.
[vigorous imitative masturbation movements] And while you’re pulling your pud, while you’re pulling your pud, you have to arrange to almost strangle yourself just before you have an orgasm.
And by the way, while all this activity is going on, you’ve got to maintain a hard-on which ain’t easy because you might just be getting ready to buy the farm.
So you better be fantasizing about someone you really like or something you really like.
I don’t know what it might be.
Maybe getting fucked in the ass by a game warden.
Who knows.
Huh.
Hey, I’m not here to judge.
We’re all different.
To each his own.
So let’s recap.
Stand on a chair.
Rope around your neck, Peter in your hand.
Now, you have to time it just right so that just before you come, you almost die.
And sometimes you miscalculate.
You don’t know if you’re coming or going.
You don’t know.
There’s no way to know.
No way to know.
And the parents of these kids are too embarrassed to tell the police so they put the kid’s dick away and say “He had poor grades.
His girlfriend left him.”
“Oh, well, no wonder lady, look at his freaking hobbies.”
Then they blame it on heavy metal, you know.
I don’t know if you remember that but from that old incident some years back, Judas Priest.
One of the head banging bands, somebody played a song and after that they killed themselves so they blamed suicide on heavy metal.
If it’s murder, they tend to blame rap these days.
But it’s never the parents.
Did you ever notice this?
Parents apparently play no part in the development and outcomes of these kids.
Parents.
You know they can raise a kid apparently 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 years.
If he turns out fucked-up, boy, they had nothing to do with that.
“Must be those kids at the parking lot he hangs around with.”
Parents got to be among the most full of shit people in the world.
Well, they always have been.
Top to bottom, front to back.
Listen.
In fairness.
It comes with the job.
If you want to be a parent, you got to be full of shit at least half the time.
Look at it this way, they have it both ways.
If the kid turns out to be a loser.
They had nothing to do with that.
But boy if he is a winner, got a scholarship or something like that, man, they are the first ones out there raising their hands trying to take a little credit.
It’s a nice state of mind if you can talk yourself in to believing it.
But these are the kind of things I think about when I’m sitting home alone during an electrical storm waiting for the parole officer to give me a call.
And these ideas.
These ideas come floating into my head.
Just floating right in unbidden.
I’m not asking for these things.
I’m a vessel.
I’m a mere vessel.
In comes these thoughts.
And some of them are a little offbeat.
I’m gonna grant you that.