Lyrics Uncle Charlie's Revenge - Bill Hicks

Uncle Charlie's Revenge

Uncle old-time Charlie threw his fiddle up a tree
My brother told me 'simmons was the thing that got his goat:
He’d sat there on the back porch, drinking Elum tea
And went he finally went to eat there wasn’t any soap
There wasn’t any victuals, nor any silverware
There wasn’t any plates nor cups nor no place to sit down
There wasn’t any table, there wasn’t any chair
And his wife was in the living room without no underwear
Charlie, Oh Charlie, your name will always be
You took my grampaw’s fiddle and you throw’d it up a tree
They say you ate the 'simmons that had landed on the ground
And when you pitched that fiddle up they say you shot it down
Well old-time Charlie looked and looked, his house was awful strange
The clock was running back’ards, the upstairs felt like rain
His couch was lying on the floor his car was in the ditch
He picked up grampaw’s fiddle but it wouldn’t get in pitch
Old Charlie wound and tuned and tuned, he twisted all them wires
He put his E on Mercury he put his G on Mars
His head was spinning like the Moon is spinning round the Earth
He rosined up his bow a spell but took an awful thirst
By the time he got his pistol out the 'simmon punch was gone
The Sun has passed behind the ridge, evening was coming on
It took him twenty cartergize -- ey god he got 'er down --
He dragged his leg into the house and left er on the ground!