Lyrics Having a Kid is a Crazy Gamble - Aziz Ansari

Having a Kid is a Crazy Gamble

Having a kid is a crazy gamble man
No one ever talks about it in terms of it being a gamble
But it is
Think about what position in life you’re in when you decide to have a kid
Usually a very safe position
You know?
You’re married, you found a mate
That’s huge
You usually have a job and a home
That’s very difficult to lock down
It’s like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle
And then you’re just like «FUCK THIS PUZZLE LETS HAVE A KID!»
And then the kid just shits all over the puzzle
The puzzle is ruined
You are never putting it back together again
It’s destroyed
And now you have this kid
And here’s the gamble, here’s the scary part
You can do everything right, you can read all the books
And you can still have a total piece of shit kid
You could have the worst kid!
You could have one of the bully kids
That could be your kid
You don’t know
You could have a total piece of shit
Teacher’s like «uhh your son.»
Yeah.
I know, he’s shitty ok?
I hang out with him all the time he’s the worst
What do you want me to do huh?
I have to feed and shelter him or I get thrown in jail for some reason
Oooo.
I’m sorry he’s ruinging your mornings
Guess who hangs with him on afternoons and weekends?
Me.
So how about a little sympathy for me?
«Well sir, have you thought about…»
No there’s nothing to think about
There’s nothing to do ok?
It’s not his diet
He doesn’t have too much gluten
He’s just shitty ok?
Some people are nice some people are shitty
My kid is shitty alright?
I have accepted it alrght?
I made a mistake!
Ok?
I gave up my best years raising this monster!
I could’ve started a band!
I play bass
But nooo I didn’t do that
Instead I have this thing
Ohhh something that looks like me and my wife put together
Uhhh great.
Eat your vegetables
Can I throw a baseball at your face he catches half the time?
FUCK ME!