Lyrics He Eats Asparagus, Why Can't You Be That Way? - Barry Louis Polisar

He Eats Asparagus, Why Can't You Be That Way?

Whenever I am naughty, whenever I am bad
Whenever I do something that makes my parents mad
Like the time I bit the mailman or left stuff on the floor
My parent’s say, «Why can’t you be like the boy who lives next door?»
He always makes his bed and he always eats his food
He likes his itty, bitty sister and he’s never ever rude,
And when I don’t eat what’s on my plate, my parents both will say,
«He Eats Asparagus, why can’t you be that way?»
He is never dirty, he always takes a bath,
He loves to do his homework too, especially math.
At school he is an angel, he always sits up straight,
He’s always very helpul and he never comes in late.
He always says, «I'm sorry,""Excuse me,""Thank you,""Please,»
He always dresses nicely, not like me.
He’s never spilt his milk, lost a glove or slammed a door,
Stuck out his tongue or giggled in school or left things on the floor
He goes to bed at nine each night and brushes all his teeth,
And Mommy wishes I was him and that he was me.
I’ve never even seen him burp, he does what he is told,
But the boy next door is thirty four years old