| Hey, Merry Christmas, Adam!
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| Merry Christmas, Fred!
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| Merry Christmas to everyone
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| Yeah man
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| You having a good year?
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| Yeah, It just feels good to be next to you here on the holidays
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| Hearing you say merry Christmas
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| It just warms my heart, man
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| It’s like soul food, like fired okra
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| Dude, I’m having a great holiday this year, It’s awesome
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| Yeah man, so you wanna sing for these people or what?
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| Yeah, here we go
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| Okay
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| On the first day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me
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| A partridge in a pear tree
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| I don’t even know what a partridge is, to be honest
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| A partridge is a bird
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| I think it’s a bird that doesn’t fly
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| Like Danny Bonaduce?
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| Um, no, it’s —
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| He’s ripped, ripped I’m telling you
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| I heard he’s a little, you know, fallen on the deep end, maybe
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| Oh, yeah, well
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| He’s gonna kick my ass now
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| No, it’s against that napoleon complex, he’s short
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| So, on the, on the second day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me two turtle doves
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| And a partridge in a pear tree
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| Turtle doves?
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| They’re nice
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| Do they have shells?
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| Uh, I don’t know
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| But, on the third day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me
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| Three French hens
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| Two turtle doves
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| And a partridge in a pear tree
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| From now on can you sing
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| «And a Danny Bonaduce»?
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| On the fourth day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me
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| Four calling birds
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| Three French hens
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| Two turtle doves
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| And a Danny Bonaduce
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| That’s good!
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| Yeah, yeah, it works, the syllables
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| Yeah, so I started to wonder
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| If my true love, my old lady
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| Was going to get me anything
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| Other than a bunch of birds
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| Yeah, they’re all, like, pooping everywhere and stuff, it’s gross
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| They’re hard to clean up after
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| So far she got me four calling birds,
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| French hens, turtle doves
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| The French hens, which are the French hens
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| They’re eating all your cheese
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| Drinking up all your wine
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| Like all hours of the day
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| I love France
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| So, I was wondering when
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| She was going to get me something good
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| And on the fifth day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me
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| Five golden rings
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| Nice!
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| Yeah, I was finally happy
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| Four calling birds
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| Three French hens
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| Two turtle doves
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| And a par-Danny Bonaduce
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| So, like, with the five golden rings
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| That’s kinda nice
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| Yeah, but on the sixth day
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| She started getting-
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| Like Lil Wayne
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| Or what’s another rapper
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| That has like a bunch of silly jewelry?
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| Um, I don’t know any, man
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| But, on the sixth day
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| It kinda went downhill
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| And the seventh cause she got me
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| Six geese a-laying
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| Geese a-laying?
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| Like laying down?
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| No, like, geese that are laying
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| Like, ohhh, like
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| That’s gross
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| Yeah, I don’t know about that
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| And then on the seventh day-
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| I often wonder how geese would go about doing that
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| If you’re picking up what I’m putting down
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| I-I don’t want to talk about it, man
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| Okay
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| On the seventh day?
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| Seventh day
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| Seven swans swimming
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| More birds!
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| Swimming?
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| I hate it
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| On the eight day it got really weird
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| Cause on the eight day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me
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| Eight maids a-milking
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| What?!
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| Yeah!
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| What, are they milking the geese cause they’re laying?
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| I think they’re like lactating or something
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| I don’t get that
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| Yeah
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| I’m not into it
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| But, on the ninth day of Christmas
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| My true love gave to me
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| Nine ladies dancing
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| Nice! |
| Okay, cool
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| Oh, well that explains the maids a-milking
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| No, these were like exotic dancers
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| Like you can see on the internet
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| Yeah, it was nice
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| There was like one of those poles and all that stuff
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| Yeah, but this is your old lady
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| That’s getting you all these things
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| That’s kinda weird
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| I know, but she’s looking out for me, you know
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| Tenth day, tenth day
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| Okay
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| On the tenth day it got crazy again
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| Cause she gave me ten lords a -leaping
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| Like the dark lords?
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| I don’t know
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| That’s so weird
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| And then the eleventh day
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| Pipers piping
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| Pipers piping?
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| These are, by far, the strangest gifts I have ever received
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| I don’t understand-
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| Wait, like, laying pipe?
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| No, that’s the geese that are laying pipe
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| Oh, well maybe they’re laying it with the pipers
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| Which would be weird all together
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| But, on the twelfth day of Christmas
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| This is the last day
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| My true love gave to me
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| Twelve drummers drumming
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| Everybody could use a good drummer
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| Yeah, I could use twelve drummers
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| Yeah
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| The Grateful Dead had two drummers
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| Dude, Slipknot has like ten
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| Yeah
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| Did you get to, like, choose which drummers
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| Or are they just studio guys?
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| I think they were pretty bad ass
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| Oh, cool
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| I mean, not that Mark’s not
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| I mean, Mark’s kicking some ass
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| Yeah
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| You know
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| Was he one of the twelve?
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| Um, I don’t know, but
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| So, let’s go down the list
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| And finish this godforsaken song off
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| Oh, okay
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| And wish everyone a very merry Christmas
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| Twelve drummers drumming
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| Eleven pipers piping
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| Ten lords a-leaping
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| Nine ladies dancing
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| Let’s give it up for the ladies dancing
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| Go ladies!
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| Okay
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| Eight maids a-milking
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| Seven swans a-swimming
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| Six geese a-laying
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| Five golden rings
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| Four calling birds
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| Three French hens
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| Two turtle doves
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| And a Danny Bonaduce
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| Merry Christmas! |