Lyrics Pirelli's Miracle Elixir - Stephen Sondheim

Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

Ladies and gentlemen
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair
What ought not to be there?
Well, ladies and gentlemen
From now on you can waken with ease
You need never again have a worry or care
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare
Gentlemen, you are about to see something that rose from the dead
On the top of my head
Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen
I was suddenly struck with a rare oriental disease
Though the finest physicians in London were called
I awakened one morning amazed and appalled
To discover with dread that my head was as bald
As a novice’s knees!
I was dying of shame
Till a gentleman came
An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name
He gave me a liquid as precious as gold
I rubbed it in daily like what I was told
And behold!
Only thirty days old!
'Twas Pirelli’s Miracle elixir
That’s what did the trick, sir
True, sir, true
Was it quick, sir?
Did it in a tick, sir
Just like an elixir ought to do
How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed
Penny buys a bottle, I don’t know
You don’t need, ah, let’s go
Go ahead and tug, sir
Go ahead, sir, harder
Does Pirelli’s stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir
'Tis unique
Rub a minute
Stimulating, in’it?
Soon you’ll have to thin it
Once a week
Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed
Penny buys a bottle, might as well
I just did
Gently dab it, gets to be a 'abit
Soon there’ll be enough, sir
Somebody can grab it
See this chap with hair like Shelley’s?
You can tell he’s used Pirelli’s
Let me have a bottle
Make that two
Pardon me, ma’am, what’s that awful stench?
Are we standing near an open trench?
Buy Pirelli’s Miracle elixir
Anything what’s slick, sir
Soon sprouts curls
Try Pirelli’s
When they see how thick, sir
You can have your pick, sir
Of the girls
Wanna buy a bottle, missus?
What is this?
What is this?
Smells like piss
Smells like—phew!
He says it smells like piss
What d’you think?
This is piss.
Piss with ink
What is this?
Where is this Pirelli?
Yes, where is this Pirelli?
Let Pirelli’s
Activate your roots, sir
Keep it off your boots, sir
Eats right through
Go and get Pirelli
Yes, get Pirelli’s
Use a bottle of it
Ladies seem to love it
Flies do too
Get the bloody money off him
Get the bloody money off him
See Pirelli’s Miracle elixir
Grow a little wick, sir
Then some fuzz
The Pirelli’s
Soon’ll make it thick, sir
Like a good elixir
Always does!
Trust Pirelli’s
If your hair is sick, sir
Fix it in the nick, sir
Don’t look grim
Just Pirelli’s Miracle elixir
That’ll do the trick, sir—
What about the money?
If you’ve got it a kick, sir—
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Go and get Pirelli!
Tell it to the mixer
Of the miracle elixir
If you’ve got a kick, sir
What about the money?
Where is this Pirelli?
Talk to him