Lyrics Baby Jesus - Maria Bamford

Baby Jesus

I haven’t even started!
This is gonna be freaking awesome
Um, so my parents are very religious
So I’ve been leaving them messages on their answering machine from the baby
Jesus.
«Hi everyone, it’s the baby Jesus, and I’ll be out of town for a couple days so
I thought I’d give you a call.»
«Will you stop leaving me those messages?»
What messages?
«The ones from the baby Jesus.»
The baby Jesus is leaving you messages?
You better call him back
«Hi, it’s BJ.
So it seems like we’re pretty funky — if you give me a chance,
give me a jingle-jingle!»
«Honey, come on, it’s creepy.»
«It's the baby Satan — ««Stop it.»
Parents are very supportive
In fact, they will heckle me upon request
I try to get used to it
De-sensitize myself to it
«Honey, you’re not any good, I don’t like it when you’re talking.
You are hurting me with your words.»
«You women are funny.
I didn’t even think you were a woman!
I thought you were
a bowl or a stick.»
hahah
«Yes, sweety, why don’t you shut the f up you stupid c before I snap your neck
in half?»
Jesus, mom.
«Hu — I’m just reading what you wrote down here.»
It still hurts.
So, uh, I’ve been working on impersonations, so see if you can guess who it is.
«Wha — wha — oh, oh.
Wha — What?»
.I'll do it again.
«Uh heh, huh, wha — wha?»
It’s God.
Mostly from the years 1986 through 1994, in my opinion.
I can’t wait until the Atheists get a TV channel together.
«So many friends call in and ask me: How do I testify to those I love about my
lack of faith?
I had a friend who came in;
he lost his home, his job, his family, his appendages
He said, «Okay, I get it there is no God.»
And I said, «Welcome home.»»