Lyrics Fast Food - Jim Gaffigan

Fast Food

I haven’t eaten in like 40 minutes, that’s weird for me.
American’s, we love to eat.
You know.
When we’re not eating, we’re chewing gum.
We’re litteraly practicing eating.
Yeah, I’ve got a big meal coming up.
Training for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving, that is all about overeating.
I mean one of the main dishes is actually called stuffing.
Stuffing?
What names have they turned down?
Cram it in?
Eat 'till you can’t breath?
Am I the only one who doesn’t feel comfertable that stuffing is cooked inside a
dead animal?
Shove a loaf of bread up there, ump, delicious!
Kind of a humiliating way to go out for the turkey.
You’re going to kill me?
Oh it’s going to get a lot worse.
You do not want to know.
My problem is that I love all of the food that’s bad for you, like bacon.
We know you like bacon.
Fried chicken, have you ever put a peice of fried chicken on a napkin,
and you come back and the napkin has turned into liquid.
Fried chicken can’t be good for you, really.
I mean one of the serving sizes is bucket.
Bucket?
Isin’t that how we feed farm animals?
Yeah, I’ll have a bucket of fried chicken, a silo of Pepsi, and a trough of pig
slop.
Make the pig slop diet.
Speaking of pig slop, have you tried one of those KFC bowls?
It’s like KFC as a corperation decided «You know all our crap just tastes the same, why don’t we just throw it in a
bowl?"And I’ll tell you, it’s delicious.
There’s a layer of mashed potatoes, a layer of corn, a layer of cigarette butts,
a couple apple cores.
It’s like Charlotte’s Web.
Where’s Templeton?
Popeyes is my favorite fried chicken.
I love Popeyes.
I love that name.
Oh I get it, Popeye was a sailor and your food goes through me like a torpedo,
that makes sense.
Popeye ate spinach and now i have Dysentery.
Popeye had muscles and I can’t stand up.
Maybe they aren’t talking about the cartoon character Popeye, maybe they’re
talking about what happens to your eyes after you eat the food.
I’ve got to go to the bathroom.
I eat the fast food, I do.
It’s amazing how your attitude on fast food changes.
When you’re a kid, it’s your favorite place.
As an adult you look at fast food like someone you used to date.
I can’t beleive I ever went there.
Then the next night…
Well it’s late, and I’m drunk so.
We’re all so embarassed to eat fast food.
Do you ever go in and everybody’s seating by themsleves, hunched over,
wearing a ski mask.
Don’t tell my wife I’m here!
They know we’re embarrased to eat fast food, that’s why they invented the drive
thru.
Look, no one has to see you, just drive around the back and we’ll hand it out
the window.
That drive thru is pretty convenient, right?
Except for that final stretch to get your food.
Like, can you bring your building closer to my car?
Do I have to do everything?
What a pain in the ass!
Why is he reaching out the passenger’s side of the car?
Those fast food places are just so fast and easy that they’ve ruined me for
regular restauraunts.
Whenever I’m at a regular resteraunt I’m always like «let's see I will order
the hamburger, where is it?"Sir how would you like your hamburger done?
Right now, where is it?
And can you wrap it in paper so I feel like I’m opening a present?
Or maybe put it in a styrofoam clam shell and present it like an engagement
ring?
*gasps* I do.
Too bad all of the food in fast food places is so bad for you.
I love how there’s the option of a milkshake.
Well, I shouldn’t but I’m in a hurry so I’ll get a burger, and fries,
and to drink I’ll have the large cup of meled ice cream.
Do you have an EKG machine back there?
Most restauraunts try to set a mood.
You go in there and you’re like «I feel like I’m in a Tuscan Villa.
Fast food places are brightly lit, smell like disinfectant, furnatures bolted
down.
Where am I a mental institution?
We’ve got to get out of here!
I love the fast food.