Lyrics A Terrifying Terrorist - Jeff Dunham

A Terrifying Terrorist

Jeff: Good evening Achmed
Achmed: Good evening… Infidel
Jeff: So you’re a Terrorist?
Achmed: Yes… I am a Terrorist
Jeff: What kind of Terrorist?
Achmed: A terrifying… Terrorist
Achmed: Are you scared?
Jeff: Not really… No
Achmed: Harrr… And now?
Jeff: Not really, no
Achmed: Huhharrr… How bout now?
Jeff: No
Achmed: God Dammit… Oh Oh, I I mean uh, Ala Dammit
Achmed: silence! I kill you!
Jeff: So uh, Achmed…
Achmed: No no, it’s Achmed
Jeff: That’s what I said…
Achmed: No you said Ukned, it’s Achmed huchhuch huch huch huch huch…
Silence! I kill you!
Jeff: How do’ya spell it?
Achmed: What?
Jeff: How do you spell you name?
Achmed: Oh-uh… Lets see an A… C… Flem… Silence! I kill you!
Jeff: So Achmed, if you’re a Terrorist… I would suppose you have some sort of
specialty
Achmed: Yesss… I am a Suicide Bomber
Jeff: Ahh… So you’re finished?
Achmed: What?
Jeff: yo-you've done your job?
Achmed: No I haven’t
Jeff: But you’re dead
Achmed: No I’m not, I feel fine!
Jeff: But you’re all bone
Achmed: It’s a flesh wound… Silence! I kill you! What the hell happened to my
feet? Son of a bitch? What the hell? Oh wait a minute… What tha hell?
What are you doin? Ok Stop it. Get off… What are you doing to me!
Stop touching me! I Kill you!
Jeff: Al’right just hold on we’ll fix this
Achmed: ok wait what are you doing… Holy crap I’m in the air…
Wait, wait, wait something is backward. Holy crap. I don’t know what I’m doin.
I need some ligaments
Jeff: Just sit still…
Achmed: ok… I wil not move my ass
Walter: You idiot you don’t have an ass
Achmed: Is that Walter?
Jeff: yea
Achmed: He scares the crap out of me! Please don’t put me back in the sinned
suitcase
Jeff: Why?
Achmed: He has gas…
Achmed: Sudan’s Mustard gas is nothing compared to a Walter fart
Walter: Ah. Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha
Achmed: I-It's not funny… He will kill us!
Jeff: Al-right… Listen uh… Achmed… I have something to tell you
Achmed: What?
Jeff: You-you really are dead
Achmed: Are are you sure?
Jeff: Yes
Achmed: I just got my Flu shot
Jeff: You really are dead
Achmed: Wait. If I am dead… *Gasp… That means I get my 72 virgins *gasp…
Are you my virgins? I hope not
Jeff: Why?
Achmed: There’s a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there
Achmed: If this is paradise… I’ve been screwed!
Jeff: Well did they say it would only be, female, virgins?
Achmed: Holy Crap!
Achmed: Wait… I could have a Clay Aiken. Ahahahahahha. I told a jokech!
Jeff: Al’right so listen Achmed, so where did you come from?
Achmed: Your freaking suitcase. Ahahahahaha. I told another one
Jeff: heh, look if you’ve been in my suitcase all this time… How have you
been getting through security at the airports?
Achmed: Oh that’s easy, they open the case and I go «ello! I am Lindsay Lohan!
«haha… I-I told another Jokech! I can do this crap to’ch
Achmed: Ok, here’s another one… 2 Jews walk in a bar
Jeff: No, no
Achmed: What?
Jeff: no
Achmed: What, you don’t let Jews in your bar? You racist bastitd
Jeff: What I mean is I don’t want racist jokes in my act
Achmed: Oh-ok, how 'bout if I kill the Jews?
Jeff: No
Achmed: I’m kidding, I would not kill the Jews… No! I would toss a penny
between them and watch them fight to the death! Ahahahhahaha! Yes-yes!
I did the same thing with 2 Catholic Priests then I tossed in a small boy!
Ahahahahaha. Haha yes-yes, and the winner had to fight Michael Jackson
Jeff: youughhh!
Achmed: Ahahahaha
Jeff: Achmed
Achmed: what?
Jeff: Stop doing this
Achmed: What?
Jeff: You can’t tell jokes like that
Achmed: Why not? I’m killing so to speak
Jeff: Well you can’t tell jokes like that
Achmed: Why?
Jeff: It offends people
Achmed: Oh I’m dead what do I care? What do you want me to do…
Knock-knock jokesch?
Jeff: That would probably be better
Achmed: Ok, Knock-knock…
Jeff: Whose there?
Achmed: Me! I kill you
Jeff: So look, as a suicide bomber have you had training?
Achmed: Of course, we had the suicide bomber training camp
Jeff: Ah, is that a nice facility?
Achmed: It used to be
Jeff: What happened?
Achmed: New guy… The idiot tried to practice!
Jeff: And what did you guys learn from that?
Achmed: location, location, location
Jeff: So you guys have any kind of motto?
Achmed: Like what?
Jeff: You know like, «We are looking for a few good men
Achmed: Were looking for some idiots with no future
Jeff: So where do you get your recruits?
Achmed: The suicide Hotline. Ahahahha… That was dark was it not?
Jeff: yea, so-uh what exactly happened to you?
Achmed: Hah?
Jeff: What happened?
Achmed: Oh, if you must know. I am a horrible suicide bomber!
Jeff: What happened?
Achmed: I had a preimature detonation. I set the timer for 30 minutes but it
went off in 4 seconds!
Achmed: You know what that’s like right? Mr. Hurrrriiccaanne…
Walter: ahahahhahahahaha
Jeff: So achmed, what exactly happened to you?
Achmed: Well, I was getting gasoline and I answered my cellphone
Jeff: yea
Achmed: Can you hear me now… Cunk. At first I thought it was because I went
over my minutes
Jeff: That’s too bad
Achmed: It’s ok I took that Verizon bastard with me
Jeff: So-uh, what’s it like to die? Do you see a white light?
Achmed: If you’re dumb enough to watch the explosion… Yes
Jeff: No, I mean when some people die they see a white light. What did you see?
Achmed: I saw flying car parts…
Jeff: What was the last thing that went through you’re mind?
Achmed: My ass. Ahahahhaha. Walter told me to tell that jokech
Jeff: So you never saw a white light?
Achmed: No, but I saw a Blue creais. Do you really have one of those vehicles?
Jeff: Yes
Achmed: Ahahahhahahah! Ohh! That is not a car that’s a lunch box
Achmed: Did you know when you’re going down the highway in a creais that if you
put your hand out the window, the vehicle will turn
Jeff: You did all of this for a bunch of virgins?
Achmed: Are you kidding me? I’d kill you for a klondik bar
Jeff: So I guess you’re Muslim?
Achmed: I don’t think so
Jeff: You’re not Muslim?
Achmed: No
Jeff: Why?
Achmed: Look on my Ass, It says made in China
Achmed: Walter says I’m just a stinkin' Halloween decoration. Ahahhahaha
Jeff: So do you like being in D. C?
Achmed: I think some idiots must live there
Jeff: Why?
Achmed: For example, the Washington monument
Jeff: Yes?
Achmed: It looks nothing like the guy, it looks more like a tribute to Bill
Clinton. Ahhahahhaha
Jeff: What do ya think of Bush?
Achmed: Ohhhhhhh, I love Buhh, Oh! You mean the president? I’m sorry