| If I was the Lone Ranger
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| Hiding behind a mask
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| Wouldn’t be any danger
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| To the questions I ask
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| What ya say Pocahontas
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| Trade in your feathers and beads
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| For an electric blanket
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| And a packet of cigs
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| You bet
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| That’s what she said
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| If I had me a needle
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| For every bubble that popped
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| Bind them all up like one
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| You would hear that pin drop
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| Like a gun shot
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| Like a shot
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| And if I was a world leader
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| Would not mislead the world
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| I would not miss anything
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| Miss America knows
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| That it’s only a pageant
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| That it’s only a show
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| Isn’t even film in the camera
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| These aren’t even my clothes
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| No no no no
|
| Miss America knows
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| Ah ooh ooh
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| You remember Houdini
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| Who not a shackle could hold
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| Carved a trap door into heaven
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| To escape growin' old
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| Guess he just couldn’t hack it
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| Bundled up for the cold
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| Double-breasted straightjacket
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| French handcuffs of gold
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| No no no no
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| He escaped growin' old
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| The growing old
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| Oh oh oh |