Song information On this page you can find the lyrics of the song Handjob, Blandjob, I Don't Understand Job, artist - Garfunkel and Oates.
Date of issue: 20.02.2012
Song language: English
Handjob, Blandjob, I Don't Understand Job |
I got a problem and I can’t contain it |
I’ll use my icky sticky rhymes to help explain it |
Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me |
Robert Stack can’t even help me unsolve this mystery |
I’m the messed up child of a baby boomer |
I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer |
Now I got a secret to get off my chest |
Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest |
In high school, I was in the marching band |
Not learning what to do with my hand |
While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock |
I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik |
I’m investigating bones like Deschanel |
Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chapelle |
When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick |
I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick |
I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov |
But I wasn’t on the ski bus jerking people off |
Wouldn’t let you touch my chest like you’re Vapo rubbing Vicks in |
Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon |
I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow |
I’m resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know |
How to HJ your LB Johnson |
Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson |
I should have explored New Frontiers like Wil Wheaton |
But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton |
I’ve fallen into crisis just like the Dow |
I wanna give a handjob but I don’t know how |
Hand job, Bland job |
I-Don't-Understand job |
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? |
How can I learn when you always make me stop? |
Now I’m on a full-blown investigation |
To unlock the secrets of ejaculation |
I need a translator like I’m reading Balzac |
To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack |
The top is the part that confuses me the most |
It looks like a Silly Putty Pac-Man ghost |
Sometimes it’s jello jiggling, sometimes it’s denser |
But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser |
Like Sam Jackson, I’m not as good with Shaft |
When it’s soft and flabby like President Taft |
It’s like a deep south queen that you wanna make straight |
Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight? |
Move it like a Shake Weight |
Move it like a Shake Weight |
I’m pumping like brakes that aren’t anti-lock |
Trying not to go psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock |
I go a little faster and then I retard |
It’s like a hamster that you don’t wanna squeeze too hard |
I’m working my hand 'til it gets arthritis |
I’ll be holdin' 'til I get the Golden Touch of Midas |
«I think, therefore I am"getting my Descartes on |
'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on |
But the biggest, throbbing question of all’s |
Seriously, what do you do with the balls? |
Do I roll 'em like dice, do I mold them like clay |
Do I tickle them like Elmo, or throw 'em like a partay? |
Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow? |
They’re the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show |
Just sitting there cranky and superfluous |
How 'bout I don’t touch them unless you insist? |
Hand job, Bland job |
I-Don't-Understand job |
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? |
How can I learn when you always make me stop? |
How can I learn when you always make me stop? |