| Ol' Saint Nick’s got bourbon breath
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| It’s so cold you could catch your death
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| A cop sold me some crystal meth
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| It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas
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| Everything’s so Christmas-y
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| The streets are twinkling with frozen pee
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| My priest just sat on Santa’s knee
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| It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas
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| All the kids go to bed each night to dream what Santa brings 'em (brings 'em)
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| Unless they’re Jewish or Muslim or some other gyp religion
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| Crappy toys flying off the shelves
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| Midgets dressed up to look like elves
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| Spread good cheer or burn in hell
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| It’s a Merry Fucking Christmas
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| All the kids go to bed each night to dream what Santa brings 'em
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| Unless they’re Jewish or Muslim or some other gyp religion
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| Cracklin' fires to keep me warm
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| And my collection of Asian porn
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| Cradle my bells and work my horn
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| It’s a keep on truckin', last year suckin', midget chuckin', slap the puckin',
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| how much wood could a wood chuck chuckin', Merry Fucking Christmas
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| HO HO HO!
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| Shut up! |
| *slap noise* |