| HIGGINS
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| What in all of heaven could’ve promted her to go
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| After such a triumph as the ball?
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| What could’ve depressed her;
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| What could’ve possessed her?
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| I cannot understand the wretch at all
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| Women are irrational, that’s all there is to that!
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| There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
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| They’re nothing but exasperating, irritating
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| Vacillating, calculating, agitating
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| Maddening and infuriating hags!
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| Pickering, why can’t a woman be more like a man?
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| PICKERING
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| Hmm?
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| HIGGINS
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| Yes…
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| Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
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| Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
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| Eternally noble, historic’ly fair;
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| Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat
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| Well, why can’t a woman be like that?
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| Why does ev’ryone do what the others do?
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| Can’t a woman learn to use her head?
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| Why do they do ev’rything their mothers do?
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| Why don’t they grow up- well, like their father instead?
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| Why can’t a woman take after a man?
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| Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
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| Whenever you are with them, you’re always at ease
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| Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?
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| PICKERING
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| Of course not!
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| HIGGINS
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| Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
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| PICKERING
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| Nonsense
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| HIGGINS
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| Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
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| PICKERING
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| Never
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| HIGGINS
|
| Well, why can’t a woman be like you?
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| One man in a million may shout a bit
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| Now and then there’s one with slight defects;
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| One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit
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| But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
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| Why can’t a woman take after like a man?
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| Cause men are so friendly, good natured and kind
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| A better companion you never will find
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| If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?
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| PICKERING
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| Of course not!
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| HIGGINS
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| If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?
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| PICKERING
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| Nonsense
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| HIGGINS
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| Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
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| PICKERING
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| Never
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| HIGGINS
|
| Well, why can’t a woman be like us?
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| Mrs. Pearce, you’re a woman…
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| Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
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| Men are so decent, such regular chaps
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| Ready to help you through any mishaps
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| Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum
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| Why can’t a woman be a chum?
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| Why is thinking something women never do?
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| Why is logic never even tried?
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| Straight’ning up their hair is all they ever do
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| Why don’t they straighten up the mess that’s inside?
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| Why can’t a woman behave like a man?
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| If I was a woman who’d been to a ball
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| Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
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| Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
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| And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
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| Would I run off and never tell me where I’m going?
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| Why can’t a woman be like me? |