| No smoking in the house
|
| There’s no smoking in the house
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| So would you please put it out?
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| I’m a animal nobody knows about like a lemur
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| That might wild the fuck out and kick you in the femur
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| Your girl said she a dreamer
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| I told her the closest she gon' get to that rock 'n' roll fame is this
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| Cleveland steamer
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| Urban Dictionary that
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| Your bitch is very fat
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| On this dick is where she at
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| And to think you thought she was a church girl
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| Well she just gave her hotel information to my merch girl
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| Comfort Inn, room 703
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| Old school, no card, just a regular key
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| Most of America ain’t checking for me
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| 'Cause even my dumb shit is too much for 'em intellectually
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| So I’m, unappreciated like a bass solo
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| K Solo, or a porn star’s face photo
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| Get out of Kansas and visit some other states, Toto
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| Start following Drake’s motto or stay so-so
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| I was rhyming on the track
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| Way back when your mother’s hymen was intact
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| Yo you probably shouldn’t rap 'cause your words are wack
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| You need to find yourself a Cyrano de Bergerac
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| Or maybe you need to give up
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| You repeatedly suck
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| You in the league of a duck
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| You a measly schmuck
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| If you was speedily struck by a GMC truck
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| I wouldn’t give one flying sixteenth of a fuck, nada
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| As far as new rappers I don’t like none of 'em
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| I could single-handedly dismantle every one of 'em
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| I make fun of 'em and give zero fucks
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| I hate whoever you like, I think your heroes suck
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| I send 'em a old-fashioned «fuck you» like middle fingers
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| Thrown up by little old ladies with brittle fingers
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| Deadly like them little stingers on top of a scorpion
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| Or being at an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian
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| I make the best polka player drop his accordion
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| I make the best poker player stop with the tournaments
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| And switch to nickel slots at the Orleans
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| You wanna fuck with me you best cop a DeLorean
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| And go back in time and find the first time my young mind was inclined to rhyme
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| And feed it cyanide
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| And I know this a rhyme not a diatribe
|
| But you are inscribed on the list of people I am not inspired by
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| I rap considerably well
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| So if you’re considered hot then consider me hell
|
| I’ve been cracked for awhile like the Liberty Bell
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| You’re a story of regret people bitterly tell
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| You done nothing cool
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| You’re a fucking fool
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| You’re an example of the failure of the American public school
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| Yo, I will whoop your small fry ass
|
| And then I’ll mount you on my mantle like a walleye bass
|
| But honestly I want peace, like Gandhi’s dream
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| But when I see these wack rappers I get oddly mean
|
| If I see 'em on my screen, I’ll probably scream
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| It makes me want to turn the game to a zombie scene
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| Leg sweep 'em til they topple like a Ponzi scheme
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| I mix the old and the new, I’m a Fonzie meme
|
| I’m a dubstep version of the Cosby theme
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| An iPhone 6 case that’s Bing Crosby themed
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| A cross between Nas and Gene Krupa
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| My team super
|
| You’s an oompa loompa
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| Whose sweeter than a Chupa Chup bruh
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| Know what you should do bruh?
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| Go to Islamabad
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| Stand in the promenade and scream «Muhammad's not a god»
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| Aww
|
| Aren’t you cute?
|
| Kneeling in the desert in that orange jumpsuit
|
| I’ll probably see you next when we’re in hell
|
| I’ll be selling portable fans
|
| Holler if you need an extra Duracell
|
| 'Cause I’ma sell those too
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| I’ll be the reason hell’s hot and that hell froze too
|
| Give a fuck who you know or who the hell knows you
|
| You got the type of face people put elbows through
|
| With no strings attached like a velcro shoe
|
| Or how Run DMC wore the shell-toed shoe
|
| When I rap I take you back to when it felt so new
|
| With loads of hot goo I will pelt yo boo
|
| It goes, shot, shot, shot
|
| Like Mario Lemieux
|
| Middle of the nipple and the areola too
|
| Prepare to roll a few when my album leak
|
| And make like a falcon beak atop a mountain peak that chirps how Alvin speaks
|
| My voice projects, in an old school way
|
| Like overheads
|
| And goes over heads
|
| Well of course over your head’s where my lyricism’s going
|
| When your head level’s so low it appears that you’re limboing
|
| Never tip-toeing
|
| I’m a book that’s ripped open
|
| The lettering is blotchy with burn holes from smoking
|
| You say no regrets
|
| I say you must be joking |
| I squandered a lot so now I ponder a lot, like
|
| That opportunity, could’ve surely paid off
|
| Could’ve been big in the biz like Irving Azoff
|
| Get away with more loot than Bernie Madoff
|
| Dolphin face plates I’d be eating birthday cake off
|
| But I ain’t tryna let them guys in suits
|
| Walk all over me like Thai masseuses
|
| Hollywood is full of rich, fat, old dudes
|
| Pointing at their trophy wives like «I met that bitch at Whole Foods»
|
| They say things like «let's be in touch»
|
| And get nothing but the finger like when lesbians touch
|
| I don’t walk around town as a pedestrian much
|
| I don’t place value on trophies thespians clutch
|
| Not a bat of the eyes at the academy prize
|
| The hype’s horse shit
|
| The flattery’s lies
|
| So if your mic’s cordless I hope your battery dies
|
| It’s that type of performance I badly despise
|
| Tell a critic write a song
|
| Tell a blogger to perform it live
|
| They’d have better luck playing Frogger on the 405
|
| You don’t stand on any ground on which to base judgments
|
| Or stand underground as if you judge basements
|
| Your list make these rappers conceited
|
| High up in the ranks when they should be unseated
|
| They overrated like french fries at In-N-Out
|
| Or some other shit that I don’t give a fucking shit about
|
| You bloody marks are all snark
|
| I can see you sippin' Cutty Sark in a golf cart
|
| So meet me at the hipster bar and have a pickle back shot
|
| I fucked your sister in her car back when Nickelback was hot
|
| Back when me and Herbs would just kick it at the spot
|
| With a 40 ounce of Mickies and a nickel sack of pot
|
| But it’s different now
|
| In certain kinds of ways
|
| Except that we still be blurting lines for days
|
| And stepping out of that purple kind of haze
|
| Only thing changed is the phrase «no smoking in the house»
|
| No smoking in the house (x5)
|
| Please put it out, please put it out
|
| Y’all little like Ford Fiats
|
| Every track we drop are Basquiats
|
| , you biotch
|
| You little like Ford Fiats
|
| The tracks we drop are Basquiats, you biotch
|
| We tall like pogo and Pau Gasol
|
| Y’all bring beef like it’s Fogo de Chão involved
|
| Wax and Herbal T!
|
| We in this bitch!
|
| When we was little we was standing in the middle of the court and off we took
|
| Pledge allegiance to the funk in every region where the left hand’s on the book
|
| We stick together like bird’s of a feather 'cause we are family
|
| And ain’t a damn thing changed except for one new policy
|
| There’s no smoking in the house
|
| (No smoking in the house) — x1
|
| No smoking in the house
|
| (No smoking in the house) — x3
|
| No Smoking in the house
|
| You gotta respect the children
|
| The seeds of the funk trees
|
| Let them decide for themselves what kind of poisonous nonsense they wanna put
|
| in they lungs
|
| As for myself I be smoking moonrocks
|
| And I’m high as a motherfucker
|
| Wax and Herbal T guide me through this absurd thing called life
|
| And I am thankful for the funketh they giveth
|
| Let’s do this baby
|
| When we was little we was standing in the middle
|
| Of the court and off we took (we gotta take off)
|
| Pledge Allegiance to the funk in every region where
|
| The left hand’s on the book (left hand’s on the book, yeah)
|
| We stick together like bird’s of a feather
|
| Cause we are family (family)
|
| And ain’t a damn thing changed
|
| Except for just one new policy
|
| There’s no smoking in the house
|
| Because now there’s children there
|
| I just wanna pay my debts off without a bill to spare
|
| Whether I’m a tax attorney of a giant billionaire
|
| Or I practice taxidermy and my client killed a bear
|
| I just don’t have the will to care
|
| And I always say
|
| I’ll wait till tomorrow like I’m Silverchair
|
| «Change, change, change» my mind repeats
|
| Sounding like a scratched vinyl record of an old Obama speech
|
| One last record made, I’ll quit the touring life
|
| Then I’ll go and get domesticated with a boring wife
|
| People saying «His career really took off when he stopped
|
| Rapping and entered that chili cook-off»
|
| He really took the golf nasty with a pitching wedge
|
| Plus get some out the deep sand à la a fishing dredge
|
| The game ends and the fun fades
|
| As I tell my lame friends about my son’s grades
|
| But one day it’s back to the bottle
|
| Fall off the wagon, horsepower, full throttle |
| 'Cause living with sobriety’s excruciating pain
|
| And the thing I desire’s a hallucinating brain
|
| I’ll even get a tribal doctor to vouch
|
| Ayahuasca on the couch next to Oscar the Grouch
|
| Enough Molly to probably convert my posture to slouch
|
| I’ll sit tight, shit right in a colostomy pouch
|
| Senior citizen livin' off moonshine and pizza
|
| Hookers at noontime, mainline Levitra
|
| And when I finally develop emphysema
|
| I’ll buy a shotgun for permanent anesthesia
|
| It won’t matter, I’m an organ donor
|
| Hunched over in the corner when the coroner comes over
|
| And sees me covered in blood like a maniac’s bib
|
| After treating a baby like a baby back rib
|
| As he looks around at my insanely wack crib
|
| And it looks like a place where someone who smoked crack lived
|
| He sees writings on the wall looking like mad libs
|
| Nonsensical, rhymes parenthetical, ad-libs
|
| And he sees the whole scene in flashes
|
| His mind rehashes, brain fragment smashes
|
| And blood splashes
|
| The coffee table glass crashes
|
| But he ain’t gonna see no ashes
|
| No smoking in the house
|
| Don’t even waste my time
|
| I ain’t the patient kind
|
| You must be out your mind
|
| Telling me them fucking lies |