| I thought I’d be happy in heaven
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| I thought it would be swell
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| I thought I’d be happy in heaven
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| In fact I’m as unhappy as hell
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| The harps, they all bore me
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| St. Peter’s jokes are a farce
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| The angels look down their noses
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| Because I’m from a different class
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| St. Mathews discovered religion
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| He converts people every day
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| Whenever he gets near me
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| I tell him to go away
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| St. Christopher, I’ve been rude to him
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| I told him what he could do with his staff
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| I told him where he could stick it
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| And he didn’t laugh
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| Only old Mary is good’un
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| Yeah, she’s a good sort
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| She’s generous with everyone
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| She’s a good sport
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| And God, he’s a miserable bastard
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| He’s always making up rules
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| I’m terribly disillusioned
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| I think he’s a silly old fool
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| Jesus, he plays the guitar
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| He sings like Joni Mitchell
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| I thought I’d be happy in heaven
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| But in fact I’m unhappy as hell |