| There once was an empire chase
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| Known as a great, great game
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| And one of its rooks came from Stoke-on-Trent
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| And Mortimer was his name
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| An impotent tea-bag spazz
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| Pride of the vicar caste
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| Sent off to Asia
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| Expansion land
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| Determined to be a man
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| Determined to be a man
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| Determined to be a man
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| Determined to be a man
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| Determined to be a man
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| He loved a nice sag aloo
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| The long, lazy afternoons
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| But soon he was singing a different tune
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| It went something just like this
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| A billion flies on a horse’s tail
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| The spirit of a late, lame Raj
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| Punjabi’s finest, bring me your wine list
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| As the news comes across the air today
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| «Tension grows in Afghanistan
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| Carbine bullets could settle the score»
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| I had a crap gin and tonic, it wounded me
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| Send me way off on one
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| Sent me way off on one
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| Sent me way off on one
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| Sent me way off on one
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| Sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| You know it sent me way off on one, oh yeah
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| Sent me way off on one, two, three, four |