Lyrics Witch Burning - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Witch Burning

— We have found a witch.
May we burn her?
— Burn her!
— How do you know she is a witch?
— She looks like one
— Bring her forward
— I am not a witch
— But you are dressed as one
— They dressed me up like this
— We didn’t!
— And this isn’t my nose.
It’s a false one
— Well?
— Well, we did do the nose
— The nose?
— And the hat.
But she is a witch
— Burn her!
— Did you dress her up like this?
— No
— Yes
— Yes, a bit.
She has got a wart
— What makes you think she is a witch?
— Well, she turned me into a newt
— A newt?
— I got better
— Burn her anyway
— Burn her!
— Quiet!
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch
— Are there?
What are they?
Tell us
— Tell me, what do you do with witches?
— Burn them!
— What do you burn apart from witches?
— More witches!
— Wood
— So, why do witches burn?
— 'Cause they’re made of wood?
— Good!
— So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
— Build a bridge out of her
— Can you not also make bridges of stone?
— Oh, yeah
— Does wood sink in water?
— No
— It floats
— Throw her into the pond!
— What also floats in water?
— Bread
— Apples
— Very small rocks
— Cider
— Cherries
— Gravy
— Mud
— Churches
— Lead
— A duck!
— Exactly
So, logically…
— If she weighs the same as a duck…
She’s made of wood
— And, therefore…
— A witch!
— A witch!