Lyrics Stoning - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Stoning

Official: Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath …
Matthias: (to Official’s Helper): Do I say «Yes»?
Official’s Helper: Yes
Matthias: Yes
Official: You have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the
Name of our Lord and so as a blasphemer you are to be stoned to
Death
Matthias: Look, I’d had a lovely supper and all I said to my wife was, «That
Piece
Official: Blasphemy!
He’s said it again
Women: Yes, he did
Official: Did you hear him?
Women: Yes we did.
Really
Official: (suspiciously) Are there any women here today?
(The women all shake their heads. The Official faces Matthias again.)
Official: Very well, by virtue of the authority vested in me …
(One of the women throws a stone and it hits Matthias on the knee.)
Matthias: Ow.
Lay off.
We haven’t started yet
Official: (turning around) Come on, who threw that?
(Silence.)
Who threw that stone?
Come on
Women: (pointing to the culprit, keeping their voices as low in pitch as
They can)
She did
He.
Him
Culprit: (very deep voice) Sorry, I thought we’d started
Official: Go to the back
Culprit: Oh dear
(disappointedly goes to back)
Official: There’s always one, isn’t there?
Now, where were we?
…
Matthias: Look.
I don’t think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying
«Jehovah!»
(Sensation!!! The women gasp.)
Women: (high voices) He said it again
(low voices) He said it again
Official: (to Matthias) You’re only making it worse for yourself
Matthias: Making it worse?
How can it be worse?
Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah
(Great Sensation!!!)
Official: I’m warning you.
If you say «Jehovah» once more …
(He gasps at his error and claps his hand over his mouth. A stone
Hits him on the side of the head.
He reacts.)
Right!
Who threw that?
Women: (high voices)
It was her
It was *him*
(low voices)
It was him
Official: Was it you?
Culprit: Yes
Official: All right
Culprit: Well, you did say «Jehovah.»
(The women all shriek and throw stones at her from very close range. She falls
To the ground stunned.
Quick cut of Romans reacting.
They shake their heads
And mutter to each other.)
Official: Stop that.
Stop it, will you stop that.
Now look, no one is to
Stone anyone until I blow this whistle.
*Even*…and I want to
Make this absolutely clear…*even* if they *do* say «Jehovah.»