Lyrics Bloody Catholics - Monty Python, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin

Bloody Catholics

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted,…
MR.
HARRY BLACKITT: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up
with bloody people they can’t afford to bloody feed
MRS.
BLACKITT: What are we dear?
MR.
BLACKITT: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it
MRS.
BLACKITT: Hmm.
Well, why do they have so many children?
MR.
BLACKITT: Because… every time they have sexual intercourse,
they have to have a baby
MRS.
BLACKITT: But it’s the same with us, Harry
MR.
BLACKITT: What do you mean?
MRS.
BLACKITT: Well, I mean, we’ve got two children, and we’ve had sexual
intercourse twice
MR.
BLACKITT: That’s not the point.
We could have it any time we wanted
MRS.
BLACKITT: Really?
MR.
BLACKITT: Oh, yes, and, what’s more, because we don’t believe in all that
Papist claptrap, we can take precautions
MRS.
BLACKITT: What, you mean… lock the door?
MR.
BLACKITT: No, no.
I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed
Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the
mid- sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue
MRS.
BLACKITT: What d’you mean?
MR.
BLACKITT: I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you,…
MRS.
BLACKITT: Oh, yes, Harry
MR.
BLACKITT: …and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller,
I could insure… that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated
MRS.
BLACKITT: Ooh!
MR.
BLACKITT: That’s what being a Protestant’s all about.
That’s why it’s the
church for me.
That’s why it’s the church for anyone who respects the
individual and the individual’s right to decide for him or herself.
When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-
seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing,
but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I
want on my John Thomas,… …and, Protestantism doesn’t stop at the simple
condom!
Oh, no!
I can wear French Ticklers if I want
MRS.
BLACKITT: You what?
MR.
BLACKITT: French Ticklers.
Black Mambos.
Crocodile Ribs.
Sheaths that are
designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual
congress
MRS.
BLACKITT: Have you got one?
MR.
BLACKITT: Have I got one?
Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time
I want and walk into Harry’s and hold my head up high and say in a loud,
steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom.
In fact, today,
I think I’ll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'
MRS.
BLACKITT: Well, why don’t you?
MR.
BLACKITT: But they-- Well, they cannot, 'cause their church never made the
great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien episcopal
supremacy
NARRATOR #1: But, despite the attempts of Protestants to promote the idea of
sex for pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere