Lyrics (The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs - Michelle Pfeiffer

(The Legend Of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Front step, cha-cha-cha
Back step, cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step
Back, and turn
Oh my God, Penny, there’s Link
Link!
I can’t believe I’m really here auditioning!
I can’t believe I’m really here watching you audition!
Front step, cha-cha-cha
Back step, cha-cha-cha
Side step, front step
Back, and tu-
Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew!
Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss-
Oh Mother, not more ancient history!
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
These girls must be blind or completely deranged
But time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore
Crabs
Amber!
That move is far too dirty!
Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn’t 1930
You can laugh, but life’s a test
Don’t do this, don’t do that!
Remember
Mother knows best
For the crown’s in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore
Crabs
These steps are perfect ammunition
Let me show you how your Mommy dear took out the competition
Girls, go get 'em
Boys, let’s rumba
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven
Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they’d win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha!
Not a chance!
(spoken)
Boys, put me down
Oh, good morning ladies
Let’s see what you got
Twist, twist, twist, twist
Mashed potato, mambo
Ready?
Begin
On my show, you’ll never find
A thrusting hip or bumping grind
What’s that?
A dance for fleas and ticks?
Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks!
Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting Aida and preparing souffles!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore
Crabs!
Proceed
Are you scared we’re on live?
No, I’m sure I can cope
Well, this show isn’t broadcast in-
Cinemascope!
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore
Crabs
This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes
Ha!
Kid, she’ll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose
I would say, «Oy, gevalt!»
If I wasn’t Miss Baltimore Crabs
Do you dance like you dress?
Amber, there’s no need to be cruel
Would you swim in an integrated pool?
I sure would!
I’m all for integration.
It’s the new frontier!
Not in Baltimore, it isn’t
And may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren’t enough, your last answer just blew it
And so, my dear, so short and stout
You’ll never be in, so we’re kicking you out!
With your form and your face, oh, but it isn’t your fault
You’re just down with a case of Miss
Baltimore Crabs!
Eh, you may go
Um, thank you?
I think they secretly liked you!
May I please audition?
Ha ha ha, of course not!
But you may bow and exalt
(sung)
Cause I am Miss Baltimore
Crabs!
Crabs, crabs, crabs!