| Now we don’t mean Greta and we don’t mean Bette or Loretta or the Song of
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| Bernadetta.
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| We mean the fabulous, fabulous lady they call…
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| (Butler)
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| The other gentlemen are here.
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| Please come in.
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| (Reporters)
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| She’s new; |
| she’s perfection; |
| she’s headlines; |
| she’s hot!
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| And in advance the critics are all in accord — she’s gonna win the next academy
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| award.
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| All her fans will be delighted, not to mention quite excited at her personal
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| appearance presently.
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| She’s stupendious, tremendious, collosical, teriffical, she’s got it!
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| But, definitely!
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| The glamorous, amorous lady they call…
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| (Judy)
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| Flibbins, what is all this?
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| (Butler)
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| The gentlemen of the press, my lady.
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| (Judy)
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| Darlings!
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| How utterly charming of you to have dropped in like this!
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| How delightfully informal of you to have dropped in like this!
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| I mean, how perfectly marvelous of you to have…
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| Well, you have dropped in, haven’t you?
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| And I…
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| Well, gentlemen, you have caught me pitifully unprepared.
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| And now, you may rise.
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| And now, you may rise…
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| Up, up!
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| Come, get up, get up, get up, get up!
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| Let’s get on with it.
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| There, now, that’s better, isn’t it?
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| (Reporters)
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| babbling, murmuring…
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| (Judy)
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| Gentlemen of the press…
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| members of the fourth estate…
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| What can I do for you?
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| Tell me, pray do.
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| (Reporters)
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| Oh glamorous lady, oh amorous lady, oh hamorous lady, here’s to you.
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| And humbly we’re here to…
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| Quite mumbly we’re here to…
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| Hum-drumly we’re here to interview you.
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| We’re here to pry into your private life.
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| We’re here to seek your every secret.
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| We’re here to scoop a scoop, obviously.
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| What is your next vehicle to be?
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| (Judy)
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| This is much too much.
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| A sort of a bit of a go and touch.
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| But, confidentially, gentlemen — and this is off the record of course…
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| (Reporters)
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| Of course!
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| (Judy)
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| But, about my next picture — I’m faced with a curious problem.
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| Shall I always be dramatic, biographically emphatic?
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| Should I devote my life to the legitimate art?
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| Or should I do what I’d adore so, do my acting with my torso, and give all the
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| natives a start?
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| Must the roles I play be tragic, full of Oscar-winning magic, should I drink
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| the cup of drama to its dregs?
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| Or do you think it is permissable to be for once quite kissable and give them a
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| peep of my leg?
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| I’d like to be a pinup girl, a cheesecake girl too.
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| And what is Ginger Rogers that I am not?
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| And what has Betty Grable got that I haven’t got?
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| Oh, the cinema must exhibit me in roles that so inhibit me, I feel,
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| well I feel just like a soldier out of step!
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| There!
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| But, would the episode outlive me, would my public quite forgive me if I tried
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| to show the world I’m really hep?
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| But, now you darlings, you adorable dear, dear boys, I’m going to tell you all
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| about my next picture…
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| What is my next picture?
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| No, no, don’t tell me!
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| Don’t tell me!
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| Shhhh!
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| (shuffling through pile of manuscripts on table)
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| Madame Crematante!
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| Madame Crematante, gentlemen, will be a monumental biographical tribute to a
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| monumental biographical woman who toiled, searched, starved, slaved, suffered,
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| pioneered so that the world — you and I — could reap the benefits of her
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| magnificent discovery, the safety pin!
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| The story starts in a dark, dank, dingy tenement in Amsterdam, Holland you know,
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| in the flat of a poor, impoverished family, but of rather good antecedants.
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| Gretchen Crematante was a very brave and noble woman who, against the wishes of
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| her father, the Baron, you know, married this young inventor who didn’t have a
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| sou!
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| Penniless!
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| And there they were in Amsterdam!
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| (Reporters)
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| In Amsterdam?
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| (Judy)
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| Yes, there they were in a dark and dingy tenement flat with no food and no heat
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| and no money for to pay the rent.
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| But did they care?
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| (Reporters)
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| No, they don’t care!
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| (Judy)
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| Madame Crematante, she don’t care! |
| 'cause she seen the light just the other day
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| since then she been tryin' for to find a way for to bring to the world a big
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| invent, and so she did!
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| (Reporters)
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| And so she did!
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| (Judy)
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| Whoop dee doodee, Madame Crematante did!
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| She toiled and strived and sweat and slaved, a stretchin' her mind and
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| beginnin' to rave, but the price she paid was worth the pain, for on a cold and
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| frosty morn, the safety pin was born!
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| (Judy and Reporters)
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| Halelujah, etc.
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| Shout Halelujah and a big amen for the lady with the safety pin.
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| She really rocks about and gives what more do you want?
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| Hallelujah… |