Lyrics The Goat - Adam Sandler, Jon Rosenberg, Johnathan Loughran

The Goat

ADAM: I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3 ft. rope
Am I happy?
He don’t give a fuck
OLD MAN: Hey goat!
I’m gonna beat your head in with the hickory stick!
ADAM: Sometimes he uses his fists-a
He’s filled with anger and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss-a
His drink, Jimmy Beam
His chaser, a beer
After that, various alchohols
That’s when the beatings get so severe
I sleep
I pray he falls
But don’t feel sorry for me
Things weren’t always this bad
Why when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad
I come from the hills of Europe
That’s where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods
I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can
Then he stopped in his tracks and he said
OLD MAN: Hey goat!
ADAM: Would you like to live with me?
I got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across D.C.-a
I said, «sure why not?
I got no family.
You seem like a nice guy.»
So we went off to America
The home of apple pie
On the boat the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
«A talking goat,» he exclaimed
«She's never seen this in her life!»
I felt so special
Well, I just couldn’t believe it
After all these years
I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end
But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: I’m leaving you for your brother
Because he fucks me better
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief
To suit himself he drank a pint of Old Grandad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, «send me back to the hills of Europe!»
He just shook his head and said
OLD MAN: Nope!
ADAM: No one will ever leave me again
To make sure
Put on the 3 ft. fucking rope-a
Present-day I’ve been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the A.M.
radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it’s always rocks and beer bottles that they throw
At first they’re excited to see a talking goat
They gather 'round to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go on too long
So they leave and giggle
I need a bidet
But you know there was a night
That I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neighborhood kids took me to a rock and roll concert
The kind of music?
Old school funk
It was the first time I’d been off the truck
The music made me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, «fucking crank that rock and roll-a!»
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit-a
They passed me around and treated me nice
Til I nervously sprayed them with shit-a
Then the music stopped
And everything was quiet
And all the rock and rollers started a
Fucking goat riot
ROCK AND ROLLERS: Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
ADAM: They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street-a
They chased me into an alley and said I was dead fucking goat meat-a
But then I saw a sight
That I’d never thought I’d see
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn’t swinging at me
OLD MAN: Fuck you pot smoking turkeys!
Don’t you press your luck!
ADAM: The long-hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck-a
When we got home the Old Man said, «goat you broke the sacred law.»
ADAM: No!
Please!
Sorry!
Shit!
«I'll let it go this time
But if you leave again
I’ll break your fucking jaw.»
Super!
Great!
Okay!
Thank you Old Man for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me
But you acted like a friend
«I'm not your friend
I don’t even like you
I’m just not drunk,» he said
To prove his point
He drank a bottle of grain alchohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my head
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
You’re hurting me Old Man
That night I suffered a concussion
Deep inside my goat brain
I still cannot feel my tailbone
And I’ll probably will never walk straight again
I guess you’d call me
Escape goat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother’s abnormaly large cock
He could’ve been my buddy
But instead he’s a crazy old fuck
And once again I go to sleep
In my eternal home…
The back of the pick-up truck
Good night Old Man!
OLD MAN: Yeah, good night goat!