| Everyone in this room has been associated with Whitey
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| Either through basketball or the mall or various odd
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| Jobs he does around town for free or at most a dollar
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| And I’m guessing 99% of you have either laughed in Whitey’s
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| Face or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or voice or sister
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| Or shortness when he wasn’t looking
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| But the next time you’d see him he’d still go out of his way to
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| Smile and wave at you and ask you about your mother’s
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| Operation or something like that because he, unlike us
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| Actually cares about someone other than himself
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| The reason I bring this up to you is because I was the worst
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| Offender of all
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| My life was simply going nowhere
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| Then a tiny little man rushed to my side
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| He should’ve gotten a big thank you
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| Instead he got a Porta-Potty ride
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| I was such a shithead
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| But he never quit on me
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| 'Til I told him he was useless
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| And his sister was freaky
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| Once when we were watching Sunday football
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| A fuzzy screen was all that we could see
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| Whitey came over with a hanger
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| And spent the game atop our T. V
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| And when the lightning struck him
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| He let out a wicked, loud yell
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| But we just turned up the volume
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| And ignored the burning smell
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| We should all rot in hell
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| I went to high school with Whitey
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| As a joke I told him to meet me at the prom
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| When he got there, I said: «I can’t believe you though I was
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| Serious.»
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| So he ran home crying and slow-danced with his Mom
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| What a crushing blow to Whitey
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| I bet you wish you could take it back
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| How could you all be so mean to Whitey?
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| Sounds to me like you are all on crack
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| Tonight Whitey was counting on this town to show that we care
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| But the first time he really needed us we weren’t there
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| And on Christmas Eve and the last night of Hanukkah
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| It’s just not fair
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum bum
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum bum
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum
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| I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand…
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| (Yes…)
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum bum
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum bum
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| Um biddy biddy biddy bum |