| I’ve got a bitter pot of je ne sais quoi | 
| Guess what, I’m stirring it with a monkey’s paw | 
| Since I saw you coming out of my barber’s shop | 
| In that skimpy little halter top | 
| Did you light the candles? | 
| Did you put on «Kind of Blue?» | 
| Did you use that Ivy League voodoo on him too? | 
| He thinks he’ll be alright, but he doesn’t know for sure | 
| Like every other unindicted coconspirator | 
| Mata Hari had a house in France | 
| Where she worked on all her secret plans | 
| Men were falling for her sight unseen | 
| She was a genius | 
| There’s a face in every window | 
| Of the Songwriters' Neighborhood | 
| Everybody’s your best friend when you’re doing well | 
| I mean good | 
| The poet who lived next door when you were young and poor | 
| Grew up to be a backstabbing entrepreneur | 
| Albert Einstein was a ladies' man | 
| While he was working on his universal plan | 
| He was making out like Charlie Sheen | 
| He was a genius | 
| When you dropped me and you staked your claim | 
| On a V.I.P. | 
| who could make your name | 
| You latched on to him and I became | 
| A minor inconvenience | 
| Your protege don’t care about art | 
| I’m the one who always told you you were smart | 
| You broke my heart into smithereens | 
| And that took genius | 
| You and the barber make a handsome pair | 
| Guess what, I never liked the way he cut your hair | 
| I didn’t like the way he turned your head | 
| But there’s nothing I can do or say I haven’t done or said | 
| Everybody needs a place to stand | 
| And a method for their schemes and scams | 
| If I could only get my record clean | 
| I’d be a genius |