| «Here I am, this is me
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| I am yours and everything about me, everything you see…
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| If only you look hard enough»
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| I never could
|
| Our life was a pillow-fight. |
| We’d stand there on the quilt, our hands clenched
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| ready. |
| Her with her milky teeth, so late for her age, and a Stanley knife in
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| her hand. |
| she sliced the tires on my bike and I couldn’t forgive her
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| She went blind at the age of five. |
| We’d stand at the bedroom window and she’d
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| get me to tell her what I saw. |
| I’d describe the houses opposite,
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| the little patch of grass next to the path, the gate with its rotten hinges
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| forever wedged open that dad was always going to fix. |
| She’d stand there quiet
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| for a moment. |
| I thought she was trying to develop the images in her own head.
|
| then she’d say:
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| «I can see little twinkly stars
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| Like Christmas tree lights in faraway windows
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| Rings of brightly coloured rocks
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| Floating around orange and mustard planets»
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| «I can see huge tiger-striped fishes
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| Chasing tiny blue and yellow dashes
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| All tails and fins and bubbles»
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| I’d look at the grey house opposite, and close the curtains
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| She burned down the house when she was ten. |
| I was away camping with the scouts.
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| The fireman said she’d been smoking in bed — the old story, I thought.
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| The cat and our mum died in the flames, so dad took us to stay with our aunt
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| in the country. |
| He went back to London to find us a new house. |
| We never saw him
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| again
|
| On her thirteenth birthday she fell down the well in our aunt’s garden and
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| broke her head. |
| She’d been drinking heavily. |
| On her recovery her sight returned.
|
| «A fluke of nature,» everyone said. |
| That’s when she said she’d never blink
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| again. |
| I would tell her when she started at me, with her eyes wide and watery,
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| that they reminded me of the well she fell into. |
| She liked this,
|
| it made her laugh
|
| She moved in with a gym teacher when she was fifteen, all muscles he was.
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| He lost his job when it all came out, and couldn’t get another one,
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| not in that kind of small town. |
| Everybody knew every one else’s business.
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| My sister would hold her head high, though. |
| She said she was in love.
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| They were together for five years, until one day he lost his temper.
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| He hit over the back of the neck with his bull-worker. |
| She lost the use of the
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| right side of her body. |
| He got three years and was out in fifteen months.
|
| We saw him a while later, he was coaching a non-league football team in a
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| Cornwall seaside town
|
| I don’t think he recognized her. |
| My sister had put on a lot of weight from
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| being in a chair all the time. |
| She’d get me to stick pins and stub out
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| cigarettes in her right hand. |
| She’d laugh like mad because it didn’t hurt.
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| Her left hand was pretty good though. |
| We’d have arm wrestling matches,
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| I’d have to use both arms and she’d still beat me
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| We buried her when she was 32. Me and my aunt, the vicar, and the man who dug
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| the hole. |
| She said she didn’t want to be cremated and wanted a cheap coffin so
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| the worms could get to her quickly
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| She said she liked the idea of it, though, I thought it was because of what
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| happened to the cat, and our mum |