| I met with Napper Tandy and I shook him by the hand
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| He said hold me up for chrissake, for i can hardly stand
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| The most disgraceful journey on which i’ve ever been
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| The last time that i traveled on the boat train
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| I had a couple of drinks in town, a few more in the port
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| I puked up on the gangway but some kind folks helped me board
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| They sat me at a table, poured whiskey down my throat
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| Sat me at a table and i lost my watch and coat
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| First we drank some whiskey
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| Then we had some gin
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| Then we had tequila i think that’s what did me in
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| Then we had some brandy and the women had a dance
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| The steward then announced that we could play the game of chance
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| We crowded round the table with our money in our hands
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| I landed on the other side without a penny in my pants
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| Woke up in the toilet when we got to holyhead
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| The doors were all a-banging and i wished that i was dead
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| Then we went through customs
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| A couple of credited thugs
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| First they looked for bombs and guns
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| Then they looked for drugs
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| Stuck a flashlight up my ass
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| Told some Irish jokes
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| Said «fuck off now paddy»
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| So i headed for the smoke
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| On the boat train
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| We got on board the train and then we had a drink or two
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| Started playing poker but the booze ran out at crewe
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| Some people started sleeping, others looked for duty free
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| Some bastard started singing «little cottage by the lee»
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| He then sang «paper roses,» «boolavogue,» «eileen aru»
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| Somebody started slagging off the Pakis and the Jews
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| Found a bottle of whiskey
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| Found a bottle of gin
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| I sat down in the corner and i read the daily news
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| First i drank the whiskey
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| Then i drank the gin
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| I tried to make the toilet
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| But i broke my fucking shin
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| The next thing that i knew i was in london in the rain
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| Staggering up the platform on the boat train |