| Hey, I’m feeling so dirty, you’re looking so clean
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| All you can give is a spin in your washing machine
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| I fly off to Rome to my prima bella
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| She leaves me in the rain with telescopic umbrella
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| Ooh the pain — Modern love can be a strain
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| I trusted my Venus was untouched in her shell
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| But the pearls in her oyster were tacky as hell
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| For Lady Godiva I came incognito
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| But her driver had stolen her red hot magneto
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| Ooh the pain — Modern love can be a strain
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| I don’t know why they leave me in the lurch
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| To carry on the search
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| It’s driving me up the wall
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| Pity when I have so much passion
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| Romance is out of fashion
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| Can’t handle modern love at all
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| So I worship Diana by the light of the moon
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| When I pull out my pipe she screams out of tune
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| In Paris my heart sinks when I see the Mona Lisa
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| She gives me the wink, then she shows me the freezer
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| Ooh the pain — Modern love can be a strain |