Lyrics His Excellency Regrets - Noël Coward

His Excellency Regrets

Now listen please
I’ll tell you confidentially
How ADCs
Are trained in social grace
They must be brave
For daily
They’re called upon to save
His Excellency’s face
Any explanation
Of the duties of an ADC
Proves the complications
That are rife at Government House
Certain situations
They could never let a lady see
There are strange vibrations
In the life of Government House
Truth is often sacrificed
For reasons of diplomacy
That, of course, you understand
But all the same
It must be grand
To be
So suave
So calm
So dignified
If you knew what all that signified!
They
Who break the ninth commandment every day
Would hang their heads in shame and say
'Forgive
We have
To live
Officially on feet of clay.'
Every minute
We’re made to sin, it
Is really very depraved
But to Hell with the lies we tell--
His Excellency’s honour must be saved!
His Excellency regrets
That owing to an attack of gout
He really dare not venture out
On Saturday to dine
His Excellency regrets
That owing to doctor’s orders
He cannot attend the mission tea
And also must decline
Your kind invitation
For Wednesday week
A slight operation
And poor circulation
Combined with a weedy physique
Has made him unable to speak
All this in addition to what
The doctors describe as a clot
Which may disappear
By the end of the year
But may very possibly not
His Excellency regrets
That owing to his exalted state
He can no more associate
With amiable brunettes
Walk up, walk up
We’re willing to take your bets
That that’s one of the principal things His Excellency regrets!
So now you know
About the Diplomatic Corps
How it can so
Corrupt the soul of youth
Imagine if
Someday they gave the waiting world a whiff
Of plain unvarnished truth!
His Excellency regrets
That, failing a better alibi
He must admit he’d rather die
Than open your bazaar
His Excellency regrets
That lacking enough official scope
He can’t disband the Band of Hope
No matter where they are
He frankly despises
The people he rules
His gorge also rises
When giving the prizes
At co-educational schools
To rows of illiterate fools
And if you should write in the book
He’ll give you a murderous look
For it ruins his day
To be taken away
From his rod and his line and his hook
His Excellency regrets
He hasn’t enough to run the house
Or pay the staff, or feed a mouse
Upon the pay he gets
Hey-ho, hey-ho
He’s up to his ears in debts
But that’s one of the least of the things His Excellency regrets!